The Football Misery Index (from an Aberdeen perspective)

Last week’s game in Maribor was very unpleasant. The last time I can recall wanting a drink so much after a match was Scotland’s traumatically jammy win over Lichtenstein. Inspired by this list, I thought I’d beat myself up a little more today by comparing the exit in Slovenia with some other painful games. I’ll start with the easiest to bear, then they get progressively worse. I thought it might help with the pain, but it really hasn’t. Oh well, since it’s already written, you may as well read anyway:

“We want you gone, and we don’t care how it happens”

Example: Kilmarnock 4 Aberdeen 0 (December 1998), Kilmarnock 2 Aberdeen 0 (November 2010)

This is when your manager is so reviled that you actively want a thrashing, just to lance the boil. A minority of fellow-fans will assail you with “you should never want your team to lose”, but that kind of talk is for the birds. Kilmarnock have been kind to us with several mercy killings in this regard, including a thrashing that ended the Alex Miller era, and finishing off Mark McGhee’s tenure. Best to get it over and done with. Kilmarnock might be rather embarrassed that in the latter match that they only scored twice against a central defence of Zander Diamond and Jerel Ifill

See also: St Mirren 4 Celtic 0 (March 2010)

“The creditable defeat”

Example: Aberdeen 2 Real Sociedad 3 (August 2014)

A beautiful summer’s evening, some lovely football, a moment’s hope when we went 2-1 up, then back to reality. And the chance for the opponents to waffle about the atmosphere after the game.

See also: Bayern Munich 2 Raith Rovers 1 (October 1995)

“The slow-burner”

Example: Scottish Cup semi-final, St Johnstone 2 Aberdeen 1 (April 2014)

Aberdeen have specialised in painful semi-final defeats in the last 20 years, and yet this did not feel particularly sore at the time. Most of us were still bathing in the afterglow of the League Cup win, and some of us had a sneaking admiration for the gritty side that Saints had put together. There were even a few handshakes outside the ground between rival fans, something I hadn’t seen at a domestic game for a very long time.

In retrospect? A giant opportunity missed. Watch the highlights again – AFC missed so many chances it was untrue. Then Who The F*ck is Stevie May woke up, and that was that. An aggravating factor in this one was the missed chance to repeat season 89/90 and claim both cup competitions in the same campaign, something no other non-OF team has done (though East Fife almost did in 1950).

“This should be a blip but it isn’t”

Example: St Johnstone 5 Aberdeen 0 (September 1990)

I heard this result when at a scout camp in deepest Deeside, and most of us presumed that it was a wind-up. Nope. It came pretty much out of nowhere (Aberdeen were unbeaten in the league and had thumped Celtic and Hearts 3-0 earlier in the month. Instead, it served as a preview as to what happens when you lose the best two Scottish centre-backs of the 1980s. A few months later, there were calls for Alex Smith’s head when we lost in the cup at home to Motherwell (courtesy of Steve Kirk’s beauty). Out of nowhere, Aberdeen went on a wild run that should have climaxed with a title win at Ibrox, but didn’t (more of that later). Nevertheless, the arrow was pointing downwards.

“The farcical humiliation”

Example: Aberdeen 1 Livingston 6 (League Cup, October 2001)

This actually came in the middle of Ebbe Shovdahl’s best season. We won nine home league games in a row, culminating in a 2-0 over Celtic that was their only league defeat that season. But Livvy reminded us that we weren’t really very good, and pumped us 3-0 in January to end the league run just for good measure.

“The Continental Killer”

Examples: IFK Gothenburg 0 Aberdeen 0 (March 1986), Aberdeen 1 Kairat Almaty 1 (August 2015), Maribor 1 Aberdeen 0 (August 2016).

Doing well in Europe is lovely for lots of reasons. Not least because it lessens the likelihood of hearing guff about the League of Ireland and summer football. A journalist recently remarked that the best bit of the Olympics is the silence just before the starter’s gun of the 100m, and I feel the same way about European draws. The anticipation is marvellous. Criteria for this is a creditable performance, usually resulting a narrow aggregate defeat or away goals heartbreak.

See also: Anderlecht 1 Hibs 1 (September 1992), Hibs 3 AEK Athens 2 (September 2001), Liverpool 1 Hearts 1 (August 2012)

“We’re on the national news!”

Example: Celtic 9 Aberdeen 0 (November 2010)

This should have been a “We want you gone, and we don’t care how it happens”, but for some reason Stewart Milne didn’t pull the trigger. The sort of game that no-marks will throw back in your face on social media in the year 2030. Also characterised by fans of other teams in the league feeling genuine pity for you.

“Falling down on stage” (part 1)

Example: Aberdeen 1 Bohemians 2 (August 2000)

Defeats to English teams in Europe are unpleasant, but we have the easy get-out clause of the financial gulf. Losing to teams from Wales or Ireland, that’s when the real misery starts. Irish teams must salivate at the prospect of getting a Scottish team in Europe, knowing that we are real low hanging fruit, and that they’ve avoided trying to charter a plane to Armenia. To be fair, Irish teams have been giving Scottish teams palpitations for years, even when we had a good European record. Celtic squeezed past Dundalk in 1980 and Bohemians beat Rangers in a first leg in 1984.

Being knocked out by Bohemians was unpleasant enough, magnified by them being managed by Roddy Collins, who is a complete throbber and was very rude to poor Uncle Ebbe.

See also: Vaduz 2 Falkirk 0 (July 2009), Hearts 1 Birkirkara 2 (July 2016)

“Falling down on stage” (part 2)

Example: Aberdeen 1 Sigma Olomouc 5 (July 2009)

Closely related to part 1 is the European thrashing. This should contain a heavy defeat by a mid-ranking football nation, leading to a dreary period of national flagellation. It helps if the team beaten has a notable European history (ie not Hearts). Such was the team that McGhee selected for Aberdeen against the Czechs, we were perhaps lucky it wasn’t worse. It also contained a farcical element, as Charlie Mulgrew scored one of the best goals you will see.

See also (this may take a while): Hibs 0 Malmo 7 (July 2013), Rangers 1 Unirea Urziceni 4 (October 2009), Neuchatel Xamax 5 Celtic 1 (October 1991), Dundee United 0 Vitesse Arnhem 4 (November 1990).

“National mockery”

Examples: Queen of the South 4 Aberdeen 3 (April 2008), Stenhousemuir 2 Aberdeen 0 (February 1995).

The game in 2008 was a beauty. Our cup run had already been a rollercoaster, conceding a cruel injury time goal to Celtic, then winning the replay at Parkhead. Many Dons fans at the game would place the blame on Jackie McNamara’s lamentable display in defence. Having Derek Soutar in goals for a big game was never going to end well either. Other aggravating factors: the game was on nationwide TV, and two ex Aberdeen players scored for Queens. Coincidence or not, after McNamara was subbed on 62 minutes, the scoring frenzy suddenly stopped. He never played for the club again. Oh, and I almost forgot, we missed the chance to play Rangers in the final, with them being on a downer after failing in their mission to completely eradicate the city of Manchester.

“The absolute pits”

Example: Rangers 2 Aberdeen 0 (May 1991)

This title-decider could have changed a lot of careers. Walter Smith had only taken over from Graeme Souness a few weeks earlier, and Rangers could hardly put a team together due to injuries. Aberdeen had reeled in a huge deficit (hard in the two-points-for-a-win era) . Even allowing for Alex Smith’s foolish switch from 4-3-3 to 4-4-2 before the game, AFC still missed some sitters in the first half. Then it came down to a contest between Mark Hateley and Michael Watt, which wasn’t much of a contest at all.

Written by Jim Douglas