Bananas and Porridge – The Weekend Recap

Joel Sked takes great delight in recapping another fascinating weekend in the Premiership. But just where to start?

“Right boys, you can fucking make what you want of this.”

Well, I make it absolutely hilarious. Better than anything you will see at the Edinburgh festival. Better than any comedian, better than any sitcom, yes even Comedy Central’s Brotherhood. Kilmarnock Football Club ladies and gentlemen. Scotland has had its fair share of laughing stocks of late and Kilmarnock are now challenging the upper echelons. Their nadir came on Saturday. Four nil down to Ross County. At home. At half time. Surely the nadir came on Saturday. It can’t get any worse? Can it?

“Five games we have played. We’ve got two points, four goals, 14 conceded. That’s minus 10. That’s an average of two a game.”

Move over SPLStats, you have competition. Everyone could relate to the poor chap who took to YouTube to vent. Except the vast majority of sane football fans who are capable of going to the pub and laughing it off. Fifty shots (on target) given up in five games. Their recent record reads 14 games, one win and two draws. In 2015 they have picked up 19 points from a possible 75 in 2015. No clean sheet has been kept since March.

“We cannae keep losing an early fucking goal.”

It took Ross County less than two minutes to not so much pries Kilmarnock open as be shown the way to goal by their increasingly generous opponents. In fairness that is a slight on County. Their opening goal from an attacking point of view was slick and incisive displaying the hallmarks of Jim McIntyre’s side. Michael Gardyne brought the ball forward on the left before spotting the run of Jackson Irvine, the ball was shifted to Craig Curran and then Liam Boyce whose shot found the net via Ashcroft. The David Brent ‘The Office’ celebration was apt. His managerial techniques . . . and footballing ability would be an improvement at Rugby Park.

“Connolly, you’re no the same player as last year. Big Ashy. I don’t know what’s happenin’.”

The nervousness which courses through the Killie team was prevalent in the second goal. Connolly made a pass back laced with sheer terror, thankfully for him a slip from Craig Curran saw it roll back to Jamie MacDonald. MacDonald gave it back to Connolly and at that point, like hyenas recognising the possibly of getting fed, County surged towards Connolly. Gardyne won the ball before it eventually found its way to Jonathan Franks, one of three waiting to score. It is that bad that Killie are now letting made up players score against them.

“See if it wasn’t for him the results would be four and five nuthin’ every bastardin’ week. We’d be minus fucking 20.”

The moment MacDonald flung up his hand to stop Curran’s header from point blank range you would have forgiven home side for stopping the match for an impromptu player of the season ceremony. It has been won already. The award for dud of the season is still in its infancy and still very much competitive. Neither Jamie Hamill or Scott Robinson were playing, yet Killie were worse. WORSE?!?! Can you believe it?

A round of applause for Mark O’Hara and Lee McCulloch for making the former Hearts midfielders’ year and astounding football fans everywhere. The aforementioned save was glorious for highlighting the sheer cluelessness of the midfield to prevent runs from deep. O’Hara was looking out wide despite being more than 10 yards away while McCulloch is confused by having two to mark on the edge of the box. The experienced professional that he is, he opted for a new technique of letting both run free, while shouting at O’Hara as Curran runs onto the cross. He was actually shouting when Curran was running past him with his outstretched either side.

“I’ve seen a better amateur team, guys. I’ve played in a better junior team.”

As goal three hit the net the cacophony of boos were like Pavarotti’s Nessun Dorma to my ears. If I closed my eyes I could see a montage of Italia 90. The boos which accompanied the fourth were even better. Taylor Swift’s Teardrops on My Guitar. McCulloch lost his man and seemed to lose every sense of his life. The look on his face was that of a man who suffers from Alzheimer’s coming to while sitting on the shitter in the middle of IKEA.

“A ‘hink you are eating fry ups and fucking pies instead of bananas and porridge.”

Ross County were the antithesis of Kilmarnock. A traditional 4-4-2 executed to perfection. The wide players were tireless in supporting the attack and defence. The striking duo have developed a telepathic partnership. Sheringham and Shearer. They drop and move, stretch and press in tandem. Their work with and without the ball makes up for having a man less in midfield and can seem like they are playing with a front three.

But Jackson Irvine. No longer a break-up artist in midfield. A rampaging white Yaya Toure. His stamina is that of a long-distance runner. He is the ultimate box-to-box player. He is unique in that he is a consistent performance, a reliable sort, who can also offer a chaos factor.

“Gary Locke got a three year contract, which was . . . He must’ve been fucking laughing when he signed that.”

He wasn’t the only one, mate. A decision that was mystifyingly stupid. On Sportscene Kris Boyd did not look utterly convincing in his backing of him. Although it appeared Kris was too busy trying to prevent the waterworks. I rewinded time and again, sure that I had seen a lone tear roll down his cheek. He pinpointed two former Killie players as standouts for County. Then they went onto the Rangers game. A Rangers team winning and playing entertaining football. I’m positive there was a tear. The Samaritans are only a call away, Kris.

“I’d get Terry Butcher in.”

Yeah, it can get worse.

Then there is those Magnificents. The Jam Tarts. The Heart and Soul of Edinburgh. The Pride of Britain. Europe’s renegade masters. Another Saturday and another three points. Just start engraving that Premiership trophy now, especially if opponents are going to be as inept as Partick Thistle. For five minutes at the start of the game they looked like a competent team but then the Gorgie Gargantuans took over.

Once Callum Paterson got to grips with David Amoo the home side were incredibly comfortable yet other than the marauding runs of Sam Nicholson and Osman Sow there was a lack of penetration. Sow was in the mood however, chucking his size around as well as some mad skills with only a despairing block preventing him from the goal of the season. It was from set pieces and their big, physical presence that Hearts were most dangerous. Think Space Jam and the Nerlucks’ Monstars.

The second half was more like a Champions team. The ball was moved quicker with Morgaro Gomis everywhere, taking on the Prince Buaben role to drive forward setting up two chances which were spurned. Then there was Juanma Delgado. Half-bear half-twinkle toed ballet dancer. A sick nutmeg in the first half was followed up by an even sicker clipped finish after holding off two Thistle defenders.

Little can be said about Thistle on the field other than their sheer insipidness. Ryan Stevenson played in a vortex that is increasing in size with his only incident of note being the seethe he generated from his fans when he kicked the ball out with a man down. In fairness Thistle fans seemed to be in the whereby they would have complained about winning the lottery because they had to share the winnings. They booed Juanma Delgado for very little, while the full-time whistle was met with a lot of . . . thumbs down.

Those pesky buggers won’t go away. Aberdeen continued their 100 per cent start to the league season with a professional 2-0 win over Dundee. It brought together two of the more prominent tacticians in the league. A meeting that displayed the increasing part tactics are playing and are thought of in the league. You never know what to expect from Aberdeen under Derek McInnes which makes them a hard team to prepare for. He went 4-4-2 while Paul Hartley opted for a stifling 3-5-2. Dundee frustrated Aberdeen who pushed their full-backs on to play against their opponent’s wing-backs while Rooney and Goodwillie took it in turns to drop deep and Hayes and McGinn bristled from out to in.

Dundee could only hold Aberdeen at bay for so long. The two goals from Rooney demonstrated the variety to Aberdeen’s play. First he got on the end of a Hayes cross after a patient 20 pass move before a counter-attack saw him felled in the box late on. For the first goal, Thomas Konrad was easily out-muscled having already done so in the first half. There is the increasing inclination that James McPake has nothing but contempt for his centre back comrades. That must hurt. The worry for Dundee early on is the lack of results from their impressive performances.

Jackie McNamara must have sensed a possibility of recording a positive result against Celtic when he saw a second string team put out by the Parkhead side with Malmo coming up on Tuesday. But it has reached the point where Ronny Deila could have played Stefan Scepovic and still would have defeated United.

Their opening goal was Griffiths all over. Space between centre backs and space to run into, he motored onto Izaguirre’s ball over the top and calmly finished before the smuggest of celebrations. Mark Durnan suffered the same problem he did against Kane Hemmings in the Derby. Too slow to recognise the danger, too slow to keep up once he did, completed by a half-hearted attempt to the cut pass out. His afternoon was compounded before half time with a slapstick own goal which was more down to misfortune than anything else. He got himself into a good position to cut out Kris Commons’s pass but could only help the ball pass Luis Zwick.

Even when United pulled a goal back before half time following good pressure you never really thought ‘you know what, I fancy United to get something from this game’. Ronny Deila would have been pleased from his back four and goalkeeper, minus one bizarre attempt to skin Robbie Muirhead in his six yard box. Efe Ambrose had an error free game whereas Eughan O’Connell strolled it. Saidy Janko *insert Alan Pardew comment on Match of the Day* Paul Dixon. Meanwhile Charlie Mulgrew got more minutes under his belt, reminding us of his capabilities in the midfield, namely his quarterback like passing.

For United Luis Zwick was excellent in keeping the score down. There is an elasticity in his goalkeeping and he isn’t to dissimilar to David de Gea in that he uses his feet effectively to save. But other than that there were some decent performances but not great performances which you require to defeat Celtic, even one with so many changes. United have not put back to back wins together since the start of December with only four wins in last 20 league games. The worry is fans are no longer angry with the drop off in quality but apathetic. The number of empty seats was telling.

As always there was empty seats at McDiarmid Park (I had to link to the game somehow). But once again there were goals. St Johnstone have still to keep a clean sheet this season. It was clear to see why from the first goal, Brian Easton not being able to sort his feet out in the build-up to Louis Moult’s opener. And Moult should have doubled the lead after being clean through following Tam Scobbie comically heading the ball into his knee. It was the fifth time St Johnstone had to come from behind and for the first time they would claim three points.

While defensively they have been wanting they are still made of stern stuff. The same can not be said for Motherwell with the incredibly intense Ian Baraclough bemoaning defensive errors again. His main gripe being the winger and full-back allowing Michael O’Halloran to blaze his way to goal to set up Steven McLean. It has been a tough time for McLean of late with injuries but he is a fine performer at this level and gives the attack a different dimension.There is little to add to what has been said before about Motherwell. They play Kilmarnock on Saturday so see you next week at the top of the order, Steelmen.

Empty seats? We go to Inverness. Sorry. It has taken its time but with some astute transfer business and help from Alex Neil, who clearly felt sorry for his old team, but Hamilton! They are back to the heady heights of fourth! Many of their signings were unknown but three of them, Antons Kurakins, Gramoz Kurtaj and Carlton Morris, have already had a positive influence filling in problem positions. The standout so far has to be Morris. He has filled the Mac Daddy void and looks even better. Okay, he was helped by some pretty passive defending from Ross Draper but just look at the way he moves away from him with ease and then finishes with confidence.

They have a nice balance to their settled defence with a the reliable Michael McGovern behind them (two keys saves from Dani Lopez), an energetic and technically sound midfield with a mobile and dangerous target man. Maybe they will be the surprise package of the season. That’s until Leeds United come in for Martin Canning. Prepare yourself, Guillaume.As for Inverness. Not very good up front and not very good at the back. From the spine of their team last season they only have two players in their natural position. They will be okay when the squad is up to speed but a top six place looks beyond them.