A top six finish, a Scotland call-up, a Player of the Year nominee and a derby victory; if I’d been offered that at the start of the season I’d have bitten off not just your hand but your entire arm. There’s a feeling that Paul Hartley is only just putting the building blocks in place – he definitely doesn’t need my advice on who to keep and who to jook, and he’s done most of his transfer business already – but if you want some ill-informed hyperbolic views then here goes. I’ve lumped those who’ve not turned out for us as much in at the end, other than one player who has been indelibly burned into my retinas.
GOALKEEPERS
Arvid Schenk – 0
There was one weekend during my incredibly mediocre University Sunday League “career” when, due to a combination of a total lack of fitness and a brutal hangover, I demanded to be put in goal for the second half. At one point, I held my hands up and watched with horror as the ball I thought was trundling out of play nestled into the back of my net. Even that performance was better than Schenk’s in the New Year’s Derby; his lanky, gangly arms, lurid pink goalie top and ridiculous moustache still haunt my dreams like Freddie Kreuger. Destined to go down in infamy and give the occasional newspaper interview about his total and utter shiter of a game before big derby games in the years to come.
Scott Bain – 9
A richly deserved Scotland call-up capped off a great debut season for the former Aberdeen youth keeper. How they must regret letting him go now; he’s already notched up well over 100 first team appearances at Alloa and now Dundee at the tender age of 23, and has a command of his box that I’ve never seen at Dens.
He’s not yet succumbed to whatever it is in our water that usually makes our goalies flap at corners or stand stone-like on the line at set pieces, and although he’s not kept many clean sheets that’s due more to our relatively poor back line than it is him.
Kyle Letheren – 6
If it wasn’t for that slip in the derby on the final day, I’d be giving Kyle a 7 for old times’ sake. He started the season as No.1 but after picking up an injury Scott Bain grabbed his chance with both hands and has never relinquished it.
While a terrific shot-stopper, his management of the box is a bit slapdash. Wants to play first-team football to keep his name in the hat for the Welsh national team; cheerio, Kyle, and cheers for that save against Dumbarton that won us the title.
DEFENDERS
Willie Dyer – 2
The best case of nominative determinism in Scottish football since Rafael Scheidt graced the Celtic dressing room.
I’ll hold my hands up and say that I thought he was deserving of a contract extension last summer and a chance at the top tier, but he’s not been able to #kickon at all. A one-speed, one-track fullback who has been turned inside out week after week without making up for it with bombing runs down the left (which, given our narrow midfield, is a must). No surprise at all that he’s gone, but would do a decent job in the Championship.
Gary Irvine – 7
Christened “The White Cafu” by our support, Gary Irvine has – like Willie – make me look like a total tube this year by having a great season. He’s probably been able to redecorate the house thanks to those unexpected goal bonuses he was racking up earlier this season. Seriously though, he’s really improved from our last spell in the top tier and has been a better option at left-back than our only natural left-back. If he could stop flailing his arms in and around the penalty box, though, that’d be braw.
Paul McGinn – 6
I toyed with whether to give McGinn a 5 or a 6, but I’m a glass half-full kind of guy and he’s not done anything tremendously wrong. He’s had the odd stand-out game, his crossing can be peachy and he’s very reliable but he’s never really set the heather on fire. Unlike his brother, he hasn’t been speared in the leg by an irate striker, so he’s got that going for him too.
Thomas Konrad – 5
He started really well, but has been appalling in every big game Dundee have had this season. His derby record almost makes you wonder if he used to play for Hibs. After being benched over the winter he came back onto his game a bit, but he can be very flat-footed and does seem to foul first and ask questions later. If summer signing Darryl Meggatt is used at the back or if Kostadin Gadzhalov blossoms next season I think Konrad could slip into being more of a squad player.
James McPake – 8
Are you sitting down for this? Good. James McPake has played most of this season and has only missed a few games through injury. He’s been a rock at the back and has shown passion and grit where others have been lacking. He’s one of our top players this season. I know that must shock those of you who remember him at Hibs, but he’s genuinely had a terrific season, and he’s even chipped in with a few goals from set pieces.
Our defensive record has been pretty poor this year, but other than conceding the odd mad free-kick on the edge of the box McPake has hardly ever been the culprit. The main challenge for next season is finding a partner at the back that complements his strengths and weaknesses.
Kostadin Gadzhalov – 6
Let’s face it, if any of us moved to Bulgaria to try and do our job and had to rely on instructions barked at us in a language we didn’t understand, we wouldn’t perform to the best of our abilities. That’s the situation Godzilla has found himself in since signing for us in the January transfer window.
Dundee fans are divided, but I really like him; he looks calm and composed on the ball and the blips he’s had have mostly been the result of overall team errors rather than individual mistakes. There’s clearly a really good centre-back to be uncovered, and the club is supporting him with language coaching to try and remove the communication barriers that have led to some defensive mishaps.
MIDFIELDERS
Gary Harkins – 6
Glorious Gary Harkins; Benzema’s twin; the Greenock Iniesta. Call him what you want, the man’s a bloody hero of mine and nothing will ever change that. Marked down from a 7 purely because of injuries causing him to miss a lot of the second half of the season. As the Hartley Revolution continues apace his claim on a jersey is probably now very weak, but he’s the sort of lazy genius that can spark a bit of belief back into the fans when he comes off the bench.
Paul McGowan – 8
An arresting presence in the middle of the field (here all week), McGowan has been outstanding this season. You really notice when he’s not playing as all of our drive and creativity seems to sap out of the team. Terrier-like off the ball, he’s the perfect foil to the more languid style of pretty much every other midfielder we have other than McAlister, and although he’s rarely the man of the match he’s always one of the top two or three performers.
Scored a vital goal against Partick Thistle to keep us in the top six mix and if his off-field shenanigans are kept under control he’ll continue to be a vital cog.
Kevin Thomson – 6
One of Hartley’s Redemption Squad players who’s been handed a second chance at Dundee. Similar to McGowan in terms of his influence and quality, but has been marked down for having legs made of shite and sellotape that have led to him being missing for far too many big games which is not ideal for the club captain. Our one derby victory this year was the one derby game he played in, which is no coincidence.
Simon Ferry – 2
His twitter game gets a solid 9/10, but sadly social media doesn’t play a factor in the Premiership table. One of the few mistakes Hartley has made was giving him a two-year contract. I was really excited when he signed for us, but injuries have wrecked his season and he’s had some abysmal performances otherwise.
Jim McAlister – 8
At the start of this season, I viewed Jim as a necessary evil; a midfield enforcer that allowed silkier and more talented players to thrive. How wrong I was. Look, he’s still not the best player on our books, but he and Irvine have shown that they are Premiership standard and have done a better job than many of our “upgrades” this season. I’d be really disappointed to see him go to one of our rivals, so hopefully he signs the extension on the table.
Stephen McGinn – 5
A difficult player to mark; he came to us in January after months of not playing an awful lot and has looked like a brilliant player playing inside a fancy dress costume the entire time, which is very frustrating to watch. I’d like to see him stay as I reckon a full pre-season might help blow off the final few cobwebs.
Iain Davidson – 4
I feel really bad for giving Davo such a low mark, because he does the job that’s required of him. Also, he was happy to chat to fans in Liquid after winning the title last season, unlike some prima donnas who just sulkily skulled their Coronas in the corner.
He’s added another string to his bow by pitching in at centre-back at times, and has performed relatively well there, and will surely be picked up by a decent Championship team in the near future.
STRIKERS
Craig Wighton – 4
Also known as “the one player Dundee fans continuously refer to in order to try and match the hunners of young players United are churning out”. Wighton hasn’t played all that much this year, much to the frustration of many Dundee fans, and could well be sent out on a proper loan spell next year. Normally I’d welcome Hartley’s softly-softly approach to carefully nurturing new talent, but when that talent’s being kept out of the team by the likes of Tankulic something’s not quite right.
Luka Tankulic – 3
Yet another player who’s mugged off my start of season predictions by being a bit bobbins. His hold-up play is alright, but he’s a greedy player. He reminds me of that guy in the playground who would never pass the ball and whose dad ran the school football team which explained his misplaced belief. He’s made Josh Magennis look prolific for crying out loud! With Loy and Hemmings arriving he’s missed his chance of first team football.
Still has another year left on his contract, though.
David Clarkson – 5
Clarkson was really difficult to mark, because he’s essentially had two seasons. When he first signed for us, he went on an incredible scoring streak and some people – definitely not me, no matter what evidence others may provide – started muttering about a Scotland call-up. He then fell to pieces and became a bit of an empty jersey for the rest of the year, spending most of the game wandering like a man in solitary pacing his cell and occasionally screaming at the referee, and hasn’t had his contract renewed.
He gets a 5 partly because it’s an average (10/10 for the first half, 0/10 for the second) but also because the goals he chipped in with were crucial to pushing us up the table and away from the relegation battle at a time when our team wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders. It’s a grateful but determined goodbye and good luck from me.
Greg Stewart – 9
If I could put the love heart eyed emoji into this, I would. Went off the boil a wee bit at the end of the season, which lost him his perfect score, but definitely the surprise package of the year for us; you’d never guess this is his first season of full-time football. What he lacks in pace he makes up for with wicked free kicks and a Robben-esque ability to cut in from the flank onto his preferred foot. Like Robben, people somehow have not worked this out yet, and long may it continue.
Paul Heffernan – 4
Heffernan’s been lumped in with Clarkson in the minds of Dees, but despite a lower score I probably preferred him. His performance against United in our sole derby victory was first-rate, and not just because he scored the third goal; he ran his heart out up front, causing problems for them at the back in a way Clarkson would never do and is clearly (and I hate this phrase) an intelligent player.
He doesn’t really have the legs for the top tier any more and was always a stop gap solution for us but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him pitch up in the Championship next season.
Alex Harris – 4
On the face of it, this was a weird loan deal for Hibs to do; give us a pacey but talented winger and get a pacey but less talented winger in return. At first I was feeling pretty smug about this, but as time went on it became clearer that what Boyle lacked in talent he made up for in impact. Harris could be absolutely anonymous and offer nothing on some days, which is not what we need. Still a big talent with a promising future but not right for our set-up, really.
Odds and sods
Cameron Kerr (defender) – 1
A real hope for the future, but aside from a few early substitute appearances he’s spent most of this season on loan at Peterhead, winning their Young Player of the Year award. Not seen enough of him to give more than 1.
Andy Black (defender) – 1
One of our youth players that’s only had about 10 minutes of playing time this season; like Cammy Kerr, Calvin Colquhoun and Dylan Carreiro, his rating reflects his limited appearances.
Kyle Benedictus – 1
A passionate but limited player who loves a strong heider out of defence. Having been punted out to Alloa on loan all year after a few early appearances, it looks like Kyle’s time at Dens is over.
Kevin McBride (midfielder) – 1
Didn’t ever particularly rate him, but apparently neither does Hartley. Great minds think alike.
Calvin Colquhoun (midfielder) – 2
Has only made two appearances this year, both post-split in dead rubbers, but looks like a decent prospect for the future and can be used in the middle or out on the right. What’s more, he’s an endangered species having come through our youth academy.
Dylan Carreiro (midfielder) – 2
Signed after being released from QPR’s youth set-up and another hot prospect being carefully coached by Hartley. He’s only made a handful of appearances but could be more involved next season.
Peter MacDonald (forward) – 1
Was the aforementioned grumpy player in Liquid last May – you’d scored that day mate, what was the matter?! Anyway, great for us in the Championship but clearly well down the pecking order and has now left for Morton.
Martin Boyle (forward) – 2
Spent the second half of the season on loan at Hibs in a swap deal for Alex Harris. He can run like Usain Bolt but crosses like a drunken astronaut. He’s been offered a new contract – which, I assume, is to ensure we can claim a development fee – but to be honest I can’t see him getting back into our first team.
Phil Roberts (forward) – 2
One of Scottish football’s heels, Roberts had a terrific game against Celtic and then seemed to do a Roberts and largely disappear before popping up on loan at Alloa. If Hartley can get his head in the right place, then he’s a much better option than Boyle.
WRITTEN BY GARY COCKER
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