Scotland’s shame. No, not bigotry, alcoholism or River City, but the fact that in the build up to this year’s Scottish Cup Final, only one side, Falkirk, have released an official song for the occasion. Admittedly, Invererness Caledonian Thistle may be taking the correct approach, considering most football themed releases are utterly abysmal, but it seems a shame that they haven’t joined in the fun. Perhaps they were just too busy taking pictures of a small horse wearing a sombrero for their Twitter feed to compose a ditty.
However, undaunted, we’ve put together a selection of the best and worst Scottish football releases for your pleasure, and in true Buzzfeed style, you won’t believe what’s number one.
10. Dunfermline Athletic: Eastenders Theme
There’s loads of different ways a football club can choose to celebrate its centenary. A fancy-dan new strip perhaps, or maybe even release an expensive, hardback reference book. Or you can be like Dunfermline and pilfer the Eastenders theme-tune, chant a few Pars-inspired lyrics over the top, and sing it on BBC daytime TV.
There’s a lot to admire in this one. Presenter Paul Coia and that old-Dame from Eastenders with Dunfermline scarves draped round them is decent, but we especially like the fact that they’ve all dressed in tracksuit bottoms. They look like they’re just popping down to Dunfermline town centre to hang around outside the bookies with a Staffordshire Bull-Terrier rather than appearing on live television. An especially big shout out too, to the guy standing at the back, who surely required an entire tin of Silvekrin to get his hair looking like that.
9. Steven Burgoyne: Falkirk Bairns (Now’s Our Time)
Featuring the Kelpies in some blue and white scarves, Falkirk’s unofficial 2015 cup-final song is a real stinker. The opening line sounds like it’s being belted out by The Chipmunks on helium, and it’s pretty much downhill from there. After just a few seconds listening to it, you’ll almost certainly want Inverness to win the cup this weekend.
8. Norval Barclay: Hibernian 2012 Scottish Cup Final Song
It must be difficult to write a song for Hibernian once they’ve reached a Scottish Cup final. I mean, you know they’re going to lose, but writing a song called, We’ll Probably Get Pumped isn’t really suitable. Perhaps just not releasing one at all is the way to go in the future.
Admittedly this isn’t the worst song we’ve ever heard, and is the only music video we’re aware of to feature both Central Park and a slo-mo image of Leigh Griffiths performing a GIRUY gesture to some Cowdenbeath fans. As for the lyrics, well, Norval follows up the world’s biggest understatement with a really dreadful prediction,
It’s been a long while,
We have to believe,
She’s coming with us,
Back home to Leith.
Just a gentle reminder that Hibernian were scudded 5-1 by their greatest rivals in the final.
7. Rod Stewart & Scotland’s 1978 World Cup Squad: Olé Olá
When it comes to Scotland and their musical influences during the 1978 World Cup, it’s generally Ally’s Army which rears its ugly, tub-thumping head, but this is a superior romp to Andy Cameron’s effort.
We’re guessing Rodders must have been in quite a rush the day he wrote this, considering the lyrics appear to have been rattled up in a few minutes, and we especially enjoy the fact he changes the pronounciation of there, to thar, so that it kind of sounds like Olá. It would still be the worst rhyme in (un)popular music history, if R. Kelly hadn’t shamefully paired together lobby with, erm, lobby in his 2003 hit Ignition.
6. Sandy Scot: Scotland Rules
We don’t stoop to profanity too often here on the Terrace, but this song really is shit. Released before the 1998 World Cup, it’s so bad there seems an almost karmic justification to the team going out after being horsed by Morocco.
It’s unquestionably the worst thing to enter anyone’s ears since Pavel Chekov had a Ceti Eel placed in his auditory canal during Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. You’re a more patient man than us if you can listen to all of this tripe.
5. Toby Michaels Rolling Damned: ICT
ICT was released to celebrate Inverness Caledonian Thistle’s involvement in the 2014 League Cup Final, and this upbeat foot-tapper is one of the better songs on this list. Altough considering the nick of the list, that’s feint praise indeed.
4. Hugh Trowsers: Living The Dream
Gretna’s 2006 cup-final release was a bit like the team itself, in that it’s utterly unlikable. More living beyond their means than living the dream, the video is the only one on this chart to feature a giant cock in a football strip.
It also shows us the most boring keepie-uppie session we’ve ever seen, which, if indicative of the average Gretna training session, means it’s little wonder that they were skelped every week during their thankfully brief tenure in the top flight.
3. The Shrugs: Fair Maid
Remember St. Johnstone’s glorious Scottish Cup run? Of course you do, it was brilliant, packed with tension, excitement, goals and ultimate victory. So what better way to celebrate it than a mournful tune about a guy being dumped by his other half because he prefers the Saints over her?
We particularly like the line about St. Johnstone having a prudent approach to its finances, because as we all know, singing about accountancy is a sure-fire way to excite people. Deary me.
2. FitbaThatBa: Stand Free
The second song on this list to have been released for last season’s League Cup final, and unlike the game, it’s pretty good. It’s what every cup-final song should be: catchy, funny and not taking itself seriously, are you taking note, The Shrugs and Norval Barclay?
With a smattering of Aberdeen tinged celebrities in the video and a line about Jim Leighton getting blootered in the mush, it only just fails to make our coveted number one spot.
1. Rolf Harris: Fine Day, The Kilmarnock League Cup Final Song 2007
No, we’ve no idea what’s going on here either, but yes, that is former TV entertainer, Rolf Harris belting out Kilmarnock players names to his 2000 release, Fine Day. Our particular favourite is when he sends a shout out to Colin Nish, although we’re not entirely sure why.
There’s a full-length version here too, featuring extra Didgeridoo goodness, as well as Rolf speedily delivering the line,
Wouldn’t want to worry if you’re five-nil down.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBGFvC8xCvk
Close Rolf, it finished 5-1 to Hibs, A Fine Day indeed.
WRITTEN BY SHAUGHAN MCGUIGAN
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