Our inglorious bastard of a leader, Craig Fowler, goes through the football related questions you’ve sent us over the past week. Don’t worry if your question didn’t make it. There will be another edition either this week or next.
Going on from the “We All Dream of a Team of Dave Mackay’s” song, which player would you select to play all XI positions – Shane (@havinapisslol)
After this initial question Shane actually got back in touch and upgraded it to a player from every team. So let’s see if we can make a XI of players who I think could do a job in every position. Imagine it! That’s pretty much the exact definition of total football, with Scottish based players. A semi is currently being nursed.
Barry Robson (Aberdeen)
He’s just quite an intelligent player that he’d be able to adapt. There would be a real lack of pace whenever he played in the back four. Though the captain of his current team is 35-year old Russell Anderson so there’s proof that it can be done.
Charlie Mulgrew (Celtic)
Right back would curtail him a bit. Then again, we’ve watched both Graeme Shinnie and Stevie Hammell do it this season. The right wing would give him the chance to cut inside and send in a few inswingers. Would he be good up front? I dunno. This choice got a lot harder since Victor Wanyama left. I guess Georgios Samaras could do a number of jobs also.
Nadir Ciftci (Dundee United)
Do I need to explain? Imagine the entertainment if he played in the back four! In all seriousness, Stuart Armstrong would probably have been the smarter answer here: he’s athletic, strong and has loads of energy; three attributes that will make you a decent performer anywhere on a football pitch – and a legend in FIFA. However, the extent of my man crush of Nadir is such that I could never pick anyone else.
Callum Paterson (Hearts)
Easy choice from my lot. He has already played in each position down the right hand side and up front. He certainly has the bulk to play centre back if a more experienced partner literally talked him through every second of the match. In midfield his touch would be ropey in the centre, but he’d sure throw himself about.
Richie Foran (Inverness)
You just need to look at his performances in the first half of this season where he was stationed primarily as the deep-lying playmaker to appreciate the incredible understanding he has of the game. Could he play centre back or full-back? Full-time, maybe not. But I certainly wouldn’t fancy my chances in a one off match.
Jackson Irvine (Kilmarnock)
Because I haven’t trolled Killie fans in a while. He has played at right back, centre back, centre midfield and left midfield (???) already this season. I look forward to the time Allan Johnstone uses him up front. You know it’s going to happen.
Henri Anier (Motherwell)
The next two were the trickiest of the lot – for that you can probably read “easiest of the lot before I missed the obvious answer” – with a number of Motherwell players, in particular, sounding bizarre elsewhere. John Sutton on the wing? Keith Lasley at centre back? Iain Vigurs in any sort of defensive capacity? I settled on Anier because he has the physical attributes to get him by in the deeper positions and a touch that may (probably wouldn’t) stand up in the middle of the park.
Isaac Osbourne (Partick Thistle)
For most of the reasons I just stated above. He’s a wee bulldog who loves to get stuck in wherever he is. Even though most of the strikers in this league would have a height advantage over him in defence, I doubt many would relish the physical battle. The boy’s got terrific balance and a low centre of gravity.
Evangelos Ikonomou (Ross County)
He’s tall enough to play in the centre, has the distribution required to play on the wing and has the required ball control to trap it in the crowded centre. Whether he can play up front is a bit of a stretch. Though judging by that terrific finish against Hearts last season he can fair whack a ball. Pity he was facing the wrong end.
Dave Mackay (St Johnstone)
The question is inspired by him. He was a certainty.
Josh Magennis (St Mirren)
This is an obvious choice, but it’s also a bit of a cheat. That’s because I’m going to take the speed demon/comedy genius and former goalkeeper and station him in that very position.
The team:
(4-4-2): Magennis; Irvine, Mackay, Mulgrew, Ikonomou; Paterson, Osbourne, Robson, Foran; Anier, Ciftci
Ok, maybe that team wasn’t as strong as I first imagine. Would still challenge for Europe though (ignore Magennis).
There are no players from Hibs because they can’t even perform in their current roles.
Will Andy Robertson develop into a Gareth Bale-esque winger or will he remain at left-back? – Connor Gardiner (@connor_gardiner)
There are two differences between them. 1) Gareth Bale wasn’t particularly impressive when he first went to White Hart Lane. In fact, there’s a terrific rumour that’s now established as fact where they tried to flog him to Birmingham for something ridiculous like £4 million. If that story is true I don’t know who it reflects on worse: Spurs or Birmingham? And perhaps the most pertinent difference (2) Bale had a tremendous shooting ability before he arrived at Tottenham. Robertson has scored a couple of goals, but don’t let the highlights fool you, he’s not a terribly efficient shooter. Therefore I don’t think he’ll develop into a Gareth Bale goalscoring type, though I certainly see where you are coming from. He’s got great dribbling ability and the energy to keep going at a full-back from the first minute to the last. It’s certainly an option for United in the future.
I, for one, would like to see him stay in his current position. Twenty years ago we would have justifiably been calling for him to be pushed further up the park where he could make more of a difference, but football is transforming and the full-back is increasingly becoming a valuable attacking weapon. I’ve already read from United fans this season that they rely on his rampaging runs to provide an x-factor that opponents aren’t quite ready to deal with. Besides, the novelty of it is an aspect of why he’s so great to watch. Had the rest of the game been terrible, I still would have enjoyed myself at Tynecastle a few weeks back when Robertson charged up the line all game long. And that was one of his quieter days.
Seeing as it’s Wrestlemania this weekend – who would win a 42 man battle royal between all the SPFL managers? – Duncan McKay (@DuncMcKay)
Whoops! Didn’t manage to get the mailbag out in time for this. Never mind, I’ll answer it anyway. It is a great question.
I didn’t want to just make it: “who would win in a fight of all 42 managers?” That’s too boring – and obvious if you ask me: Terry Butcher. So I tried to think of it from a wrestling standpoint and came up with the following criteria for trying to cut it down to one winner.
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The winner could not be too big. I always remember Royal Rumble’s where a monster would enter the ring, immediately dispatch three or four competitors over the top rope and look a certain to win it all. Then his immediate impact would fade away and he would eventually succumb to a stray boot from a smaller opponent that sent him staggering back and over the top rope. These guys don’t have low centres of gravity and are always a risk. Therefore, these guys would definitely not win: Terry Butcher, Tommy Wright and Alan Archibald.
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The same goes for the little guys. They are usually gathered up and tossed over in groups when the big guns come in. This created quite the cull: Neil Lennon, Derek McInnes, Danny Lennon, Gary Bollan, Gary Naysmith, James Ward, Stuart McCall, Paul Hartley and Colin Cameron.
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Heels – the wrestling term for bad guys – can win the Royal Rumble. Bwut that’s an every year event and this is a one off, and with 42 entries it’s going to take a while to find the winner. At the end of this the crowd are going to need a pay-off. So there can be no winner who is currently disliked by a large member of their own support. That immediately disposes of John Hughes, Allan Johnston, Gary Locke*, Grant Murray*, Kenny Shiels, Mark Roberts, Paul Sheerin, Ray MacKinnon and, to an extent, Greig MacDonald.
*These two are harshly included considering the weekend’s events
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We always like to give everyone a chance, but that means the overall crowd has to be happy with the winner so, I’m sorry League Two fans, that means we have to rid ourselves of any managers whom a large percentage of the crowd will not be aware of. Bye bye to John Coughlin, Stuart Garden and Jim Chapman, and Stephen Aitken from League One.
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Every Royal Rumble you get an entry where you go “holy shit! It’s Jimmy SuperFly” and get all nostalgic about years gone by. However, they are old and you know they are not going to win this fight. So this gets rid of Dick Campbell, Jim Jefferies, Jim Duffy and Jimmy Nicholl.
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Then there’s the guys who just don’t have the personality to become top bill wrestling stars. So say bye to Barry Smith, Jim McIntyre and John McGlynn.
So here’s what’s left: Jackie McNamara, Derek Adams, Alex Neil, Gary Holt, Ian Murray, Ally McCoist, Scott Booth, Gus MacPherson and Barry Wilson.
I know. I’m not happy with that list of guys left either. I certainly wouldn’t want any of them in the main event at Wrestlemania, either from a fighting or personality standpoint. But what are you gonna do? We’re hardly blessed north of the border. So here’s what I think happens:
Ian Murray, injured and doing his utmost to stay alive in the corner manages to lure Ally McCoist into a false sense of security, coaxing the Rangers boss into charging at him and ultimately flinging himself off the top turnbuckle when Murray pulls down on the ropes at the last second. Scott Booth, watching all of this inexplicably decides to repeat to everybody exactly what they’ve just seen and is caught, and emptied from the ring, after a blindside attack by Gus McPherson. Gary Holt, trying to do everything “the right way” is then forced over the top by the sheer hard-man nature of Barry Wilson. McPherson and Wilson then lock eyes in the middle of the ring. It’s clear that, of what’s left, these two are the hardest out there, but the early nature of the showdown tells you something is up. Sure enough, when both are locked in a death grip right beside the top rope, Derek Adams – the sneaky wee bastard that he is – comes and lifts Wilson’s leg up, launching both of them out. With Murray still incapacitated, Adams enlists the help of Jackie McNamara to help get rid of Alex Neil, on the basis that the two of them will then dispose of Murray and be left to duke it out. Once Neil has gone, however, McNamara shows the devious side in himself – all great champions need it – by turning on Adams and lifting him over the top while the latter is taunting the exited Neil. It leaves McNamara and Murray left in the ring. The Dumbarton boss summons up all his strength and in one almighty push sends McNamara over the turnbuckle.
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But wait a minute. McNamara has held on! His feet haven’t touched the floor! Murray, exhausted by the pain and physical exertion, has slumped down to one knee with his back turned, thinking he’s done all he has to do. McNamara slips back in and grabs Murray before throwing him over the side. The crowd aren’t sure whether to boo or cheer. McNamara was something they rooted for originally. Is he a great man; is he a champion? Or is he just another shit?
Is managing Queen’s Park to the Champions League the hardest thing to do in Football Manager? – Craig G Telfer (@CraigGTelfer)
I haven’t played Football Manager religiously since the fine job I did with Millwall back in the 2007 game. Nothing mental, just eight years of consistent improvement that took them from mid-table League One to qualifying for the Champions League in my final full season. Do you what the most interesting thing in the world is at any given time? Answer: your own game of Football Manager. Do you know what the most boring thing in the world is at any given time? Anyone else’s game of Football Manager.
This hypothetical Queen’s Park scenario is the exception that proves the rule. If anyone tells you they achieved this with a team full of players you aren’t allowed to pay, then they should immediately be snapped up by a number of (real life) football clubs for their incredible tactical knowledge. I’m guessing that John Maxwell has managed it at one time?
Under which current Scottish coach do you think the misfits would flourish the most (Teemu Pukki, Paul Heffernan, Paul Lawson) – @FMCeltic
First of all, this is very harsh on Heffernan. He’s the best striker Hibs have and once Terry Butcher gets over his temporary insanity and installs him back in the side as the spearhead in a 4-2-3-1 attack then he shall prove his worth once again.
Paul Lawson is the perfect case subject in how a great player can become a bad one just by being played in a system that doesn’t suit his abilities. He’s a specialist: a playmaker who controls the game from a deep-lying position. Motherwell asked him to be a box-to-box midfielder. Not only did he struggle to fulfil his new role, his previous abilities were also hampered as his usually efficient passing suddenly deserted him.
That’s the case in point with a number of players in the league. Teemu Pukki is probably a good footballer. He’s certainly got a pedigree that suggests he’s better than 90+ percent of the players in this league. The problem was that Celtic don’t have the patience for someone to have a few poor games before settling in. He needed to get used to a new style of football to begin asserting himself on proceedings. Instead he’s been in and out of the line-up and his form has suffered.
This may seem a bit of a cop-out answer. But the reason I can’t give a coherent one is that I would have said Terry Butcher or Stuart McCall if you’d asked “which manager would you trust to get the most out of underachieving players?” Every manager, even the very best, have success stories and failures. For every hidden obscure talent that they unlock and unleash there is a dormant superstar that they can’t seem to ignite.
What do you prefer: a swing or a roundabout? – Kevin Butchart (@Slammy83)
Aye, aye, very good. “Restrict it to matters on the park”. Kev, mate, you really need a hobby besides trolling. But you’ve asked and I’ll give an answer: a swing. Easy. My stomach is not the best. I missed the Edinburgh derby because I had too many shots of Palinka at 6am that morning. I wasn’t even falling over myself or talking incoherently, I just have a stomach that can’t handle a hangover. So I spent the full 90 minutes in a toilet curled around the seat. I will forever be grateful to the bar staff (whenever the hell I was) for allowing me to do it. Anyway, roundabouts just get me dizzy and I just feel like I’m going throw up.
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