It’s the end of the season and Best XI selections are ubiquitous. They are always worth a read but most are largely predictable – like Dundee United taking the lead and then squandering it. Worst XIs are more fun.
I’ll confess, when it comes to football nowadays greater pleasure is gleaned from sheer woefulness (and following the career of Mike Dean). It’s less serious, less life or death. Football is entertaining. While a tactical discussion does pique an interest, what stands out most is the comedy factor allied to football. Better than any film, sketchshow or stand-up comedian.
The following 12 men have provided their fair share of amusement. There was plenty to choose from. After all Dundee United had two managers and used 40 different players alone. You would have struggled to pick a competent five-a-side team from them. So there could only be one player from each side (as well as one manager to bring up the 12). I tried to steer away from Garth Crooks territory and assemble a balanced system.
Without further Freddy Adu:
GK: Owain Fon Williams (Inverness Caledonian Thistle) – For research purposes, and to feed my own Schadenfreude, I watched every goal ICT conceded in the league this season. After all, I was accused by some of being too harsh on him when I wrote about Dean Brill and the top 12 goalkeepers in the SPFL. A quick run down memory lane only strengthened my views and vindicated the comparison to a zoo animal (edited out).
The Welsh internationalist – that’s right, internationalist – appears to have problems with the simplest of tasks:
- He is slow off his line which leads to indecision.
- He is indecisive and not strong enough when coming for crosses which affects his defenders’ decision making.
- He is far too slow at moving his feet leaving him to make despairing dives with the ball already past him.
- When faced with one-v-one situations he is too flat-footed making it easy for opponents to go around him.
- When making saves he is prone to pushing shots every which where, often into areas which are populated by opponents.
- Then there are the moments where he appears to be auditioning for clown college or trying to earn a scholarship to Chuckles University.
He has signed a new deal at the club. Not just any deal, a three-year one. If I was the incoming manager I’d be using my resources to renege on that deal and pop Liam Hughes and his preponderant beak in the nets. Only after Fon Williams has been at Euro 2016, of course (ICT get money from UEFA). That’s right, Fon Williams may well be at Euro 2016.
To quote my man and A-list celebrity Jeff Goldblum ‘well, there it is’.
RB: Tyler Blackett (Celtic) – Let’s be frank, we’re only onto the second player and I have cheated. But I am a fan of a team who (allegedly) screwed over charities by entering administration and was owned by a man who (allegedly) screwed over Bosnian pensioners. Morals? No thanks.
The left-footed full-back, or centre-back, looks incredibly uncomfortable on a football pitch. Remember Trevor ‘The Tortoise’ Misipeka? Of course you don’t. He was the American Samoan Arena Football League *shrugs* player who was due to appear for Samoa at the 2001 World Athletics Championship in the shot-put. Instead, he ran the 100m with a time of 14.28 seconds. He looked more comfortable trundling along the track than Blackett did in a Celtic top.
This is a player who was brought in from Manchester United AFTER having made 12 appearances in Louis Van Gaal’s first season. Warning signs were already evident that it certainly wasn’t his level. The intensity of Scottish football also seemed to spook a player who can make Gary Warren look like Franco Baresi on the ball. He suffered the indignity of being subbed off in the 2-1 lose to Molde having already been subbed on. Could it get worse? Yes. He made one more appearance – a 13 minute cameo against Stranraer in the Scottish Cup.
LB: Juwon Oshaniwa (Heart of Midlothian) – David De Gea to Real Madrid. Scott Allan to Rangers. Juwon Oshaniwa to Heart of Midlothian. Three of 2015’s most protracted transfer sagas. ‘Only one went through’ sighs match going Hearts fans. Oh Juwon. There was a forest of red tape to hack through to bring this World Cup STAR to Gorgie. It was going to be worth it, however. He filled a problem position and had SHACKLED Lionel Messi at the World Cup in Brazil.
But then he played. ‘It’s okay, just give him time and he’ll adjust,’ Hearts fans reassured themselves. Eight months later and he was being sarcastically cheered off the pitch in the club’s last game of the season. His social media presence endeared him to fans initially, especially his perceptible point of God is God. God may well be God but for a healthy percentage of Hearts fans getting rid of the ball when under pressure around the box is sacrosanct. None of these drag-backs, stepovers, Cruyff turns, fancy-dan moves on your own 18. Not at Tynecastle, no, where men are supposed to men, the ball is supposed to be played forward and happiness is not allowed to shine.
Oshaniwa wasn’t as bad as some made out. But he certainly wasn’t anywhere near as good as many expected. He had a memorable effort against Hibs which landed in Morningside plus two red cards. One for bizarrely punching Inverness’ Tobi Sho-Silva.
CB: Mark Reynolds (Aberdeen) –The Dons may have finished second. And they may have had the third best defensive record but some of the centre back performances from both Reynolds and Ash Taylor defied such solidity.
The 29-year-old had his injury problems this past season but when he took to the field he appeared nervous, ponderous and softer than normal. He is not a defender who relishes the physical aspect of the game, preferring to read, anticipate and use his pace to solve problems. These qualities were far from evident.
Grab a goldfish from the tank, chuck it on the ground and watch it struggle for dear life. Kick a ball in the air towards Mark Reynolds, throw an opposition striker into the mix and it has a very similar effect. It all came to a head at St Johnstone where Reynolds was bullied, bodied and blitzed by a direct attack, spearheaded by Steven Mclean and Graham Cummins. It was a performance that belied a captain and remarkably he lasted the full 90 minutes. It was the nadir of a forgettable season.
CB: Gavin Gunning (Dundee United) – What really needs to be added that moment? A certified loony. Previous behaviour (apparently) included commentating his way through an under-20s match while at Motherwell. Just to clarify, he was playing. There was then the appearance at left-back at Inverness in December where he was angrily gesticulating at his own bench for his own mistake-laden performance.
For a neutral observer he is box office. He has that slightly unhinged look where you really don’t know what he is going to do. For team mates that must surely be unnerving, for us watching on it is gripping.
All season he tried valiantly to single-handedly bring back Arrigo Sacchi’s highly structured, highly risky offside line. A simple long ball was all it took to penetrate the United defence with Gunning running the other way with his hand in the air. Then there were the crosses. Oh, dear God! The CROSSES!!! Any ball crossed into the United box was akin to a grenade falling into your trench.
Anyway . . .
Thanks for the memories, Gav.
MC: Kemy Agustein (Hamilton Academical) – The Accies are the type of team who have to take small risks on complete unknowns. Antons Kurakins and Gramoz Kurtaj were relative successes. Oumar Diaby and Christopher Mandiangu were not. Then there was Agustein who seemed to appear from nowhere. The 29-year-old Curacao internationalist, who played five times for the Dutch under-21s, just popped up on our screens one day when he was chosen in Hamilton’s starting XI at Pittodrie.
It was not a good day for Agustien or Hamilton. Thirty nine laboured minutes later and he was hooked. Carrying an excess of lumber, he was, in keeping with his team mates, pretty damn awful. He was about three years and three yards off the pace. A booking for one too many late challenges forced Martin Canning’s hand. They were getting ripped apart and could not afford to go down to 10 men.
Agustien has a good pedigree of previous clubs in the country of his birth and in England. Then you look at the number of appearances and it begins to make sense when you see him struggling to move around the pitch. What was most surprising was that he was afforded another nine minutes the following week against Partick Thistle. And then just as he appeared out of nowhere he then disappeared into the ether.
MC: Ryan Stevenson (Partick Thistle) – ‘Stevo’ appeared in 11 games for the Harry Wraggs this season. Seven of which ended in defeat before being shipped off to Ayr United. He had his critics in his first season at Firhill and it was clear his limited powers were on the wane. At Tynecastle weeks of looking like he was trapped in a vortex of cars and stereotypical tattoos were broken by performances or moments which enthralled. That wasn’t the case at Firhill. His quality in the top division had vanished. Although his last act for Thistle was a last-minute winner against ICT.
Back at his boyhood team he didn’t even start the first-leg of their Championship play-off final, while in the second-leg he was as relevant as Sandi Thom. It didn’t stop him celebrating in Ibiza, mind.
Yes, that picture you’re looking at is THIRTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD Ryan Stevenson with Wayne Lineker. Speaking of Lineker, has their been a worst human being in the history of the world?
MC: Jake Taylor (Motherwell) – Who, you ask? Exactly. Motherwell fans won’t welcome being reminded of him. A ghost. This is what he looks like:
ST: Luka Tankulic (Dundee) – The only player on the list with a 100 per cent record this season. He replaced Kane Hemmings for an 11 minute cameo against St Johnstone at the start of the season and that was it. He had been afforded one full season to get up and running but all Paul Hartley required was 660 seconds of soccer action to finally realise it was never going to happen for the ‘German Tank’.
He will be sorely missed from such well-renowned establishments as Liquid & Envy and the Dundee casino(s).
ST: John Sutton (St Johnstone) – There were actually real human people who were not only tipping Handsome John to be St Johnstone’s most impressive signing but also to finish top goal scorer. That’s the top goal scorer of the whole league. People have been deemed insane for less.
Heh. At least I didn’t put money on Leicester to be relegated.
In 25 games in all competitions there was the solitary strike. Against who? Heart of fucking Midlothian. That’s who. Typical. But it is hard to get angry with John. Even more so when you consider he had to share a house with Chris Sutton. Even at 32 years of age he is still getting bullied by his older, repugnant, brother. One game saw him feel the wrath of his brother for having the temerity of wearing boots that weren’t black.
He then suffered the cruel indignity of being made available for loan or sale via the St Johnstone website. Pray for John.
ST: David Goodwillie (Ross County) – Choosing someone from Ross County was an onerous task. There has been a few disappointments, namely Jamie Reckord. But what this team didn’t need was another left-sided defender. So we come to Mr Badcock. If every County striker was fit he would be fifth choice.
What a fall from grace. Not just his career as a whole, this season! He was favoured over Adam Rooney in Europe at the start of the season at Aberdeen but finished it with a measly three goals. All three against the same team. Who? Heart fucking of fucking Midlothian. It appears that chants from the home support about his off-field indiscretions only spur him on. Other than that it was a completely nondescript season for Goodwillie.
A move to the Championship and then insignificance beckons.
Manager: Gary Locke (Kilmarnock) – 
Written by Joel Sked