The theme tune begins and the images chop and change on screen; commuters heading into the subway in Glasgow, tourists venturing onto the trams in Edinburgh, buses and trains trundling and chugging around the country. ‘Links (transport not sausages)’, written, produced and directed by Jackie McNamara.
While not quite receiving the best viewing figures, season one earned a lot of plaudits in terms of entertainment and comedy. The first season followed the travails of Andy, Ryan, Nadz, Stuart and Gary around Scotland on public transport; the conversations overheard, the bizarre people encountered and the situations in which they become entangled.
One episode saw Ryan spy a couple of young females on the bus as he headed to Fort Kinnaird. He made sure to tuck himself into the seat behind them with the hope they would notice, maybe even strike up a conversation. But first he listens.
“How was your date wi Kenny the other night?”
“Dinnae get me started. We argued about where to go. He wanted to go to Nandos but ah wanted to go to George Street. Ah fancied a pizza from Amarone. We flipped a coin and ah got my pizza. From Pizza Hut.
“But we had a laugh and then went to the Omni Centre to see Gravity. Ah had said that I’d gie him a blowy if he was lucky so we fired into the disabled toilet for a neck after ah got my pick n mix. One thing led to another and ma knickers were at my ankles and we were going at it while ah ate ma mix.”
“Oh Justine! What are ye like ya dirty.”
“But it was horrible. He had this Celtic tattoo on his groin and every time he pumped me he farted.”
“That’s boggin’!”
“Ah ken. He has been texting me asking how he was. Ah couldnae tell him the truth that his cock was so small he could use a test tube as a condom but ah said he put me off with his fartin’. He then started texting about fart erotica. Ah nearly spewed ma load”.
The girls get off in Niddrie. Normally so composed Ryan didn’t move, didn’t blink. Horrified, he missed his stop.
Another episode focused on Nadz and his trip on the last train to Fife on a Saturday night from Edinburgh. He had an enjoyable night out in town but now faced a more daunting journey than one through guerilla controlled Colombia. He sought comfort and safety in first class. But the train was mobbed, like Noah’s Ark with all species, sizes and smells. But worse than animals it was throngs of intoxicated Fifers.
“AW THE BEST CUNTS GET AFF AT MARKINCH LIKE.”
“HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY YOU, HEY YOU YA CUNT, SHOW MA NEEBOR YER EEN, YEVE GOT BRAW EEN YA CUNT.”
“Was that even English?” Nadz says to himself under his breath.
“AH KEN YVONNE”
Yvonne Saunders from Leven?
“NAW, AH DIFFRENT WAN. FAE LESLIE. SHE’S AWFFY BAD WI HICCUPS.”
*Nadz looks around and thinks* ‘Am I being filmed here? Is this some sort of test for humans dealing with primates?’
“HOPE WIR HAME QUICK, AM HUDDIN IN A SHITE”
Did a woman just say that. Well I think it’s a woman. Oh dear lord, one is looking at me. She is . . . grizzly.
”Ere laddie. Whur ye from? Ye fancy a party? We’re aw headin’ back to ma place in Methil.” She then winks at Nadz. “Thur may even be suthin’ in it for ye. If ye like ruttin’ real wummin’.”
Petrified, a smirk breaks across Nadz’s face before a shrug of the shoulders.
‘Fife is life’.
Season one was the high point. Young, hungry, talented actors. Andy and Ryan impressed and were off to bigger and better things. Their departure signalled a drop in quality. Both from the acting side as well as written and direction.
The most entertaining aspect of an underwhelming second season was the Polish bus driver of the Fife Circle, Radoslaw. Rado to the regulars. He endeared, enthralled and enraged passengers with every trip. When Jeanie from Lochgelly started having chest pains he rushed the crowded bus to the hospital. He was later told his driving saved her life.
Passengers going from Rosyth to Dunfermline were bemused when they ended up in Burntisland where Rado picked up a friend and his washing machine. Then in Kirkcaldy old Tam was lamped by Rado over an argument regarding change. Everyone was told to get off the bus. In a rage Rado sped off and ploughed into the back of a police car. People were coming from all across Scotland to see the adventures of Rado.
After only a few episodes season three has been cancelled. All the quality from season one has departed. A slapdash recruitment of actors hasn’t worked. There’s no loveable erratic rogues. Just disappointment. There was no structure, no plan. What worked in season one and to an extent is season two no longer worked. But they were still being tried and were still failing.
The credits rolled on the last episode. Written, produced and directed by Jackie MacNamara. But rather than pride the words echoed sadness of what had become of Links (transport, not the sausages).
And so the day arrived. The day Dundee United fans had been waiting for impatiently and noisily for weeks and months. Counting down the hours, minutes and seconds on their webbed feet. Jackie McNamara had gone after an embarrassing defeat at McDiarmid Park. Defeats away to the Super J’s can’t usually be classified as embarrassing. But when you are 1-0 ahead and playing against 10 men for more than an hour it certainly is.
The Arabs had squeezed through in extra-time against Dunfermline but any confidence that was gained from that result had simply evaporated come Saturday. Although many would have been glancing ahead to the following week’s fixture at Partick Thistle as the potential denouement of this sorry saga. A fitting narrative, one which was blown out the water by Tommy Wright and the hex he holds over McNamara.
Ironically the final act came when McNamara decided to move away from his obdurate use of 4-2-3-1 to a 4-4-2. Like Jim Spence moving away from having bagpuss on his head to a short back and sides.
The change appeared to work. Despite the weekly Michael O’Halloran head down, run to the by-line and slide the ball across the box for a dangerous opening, United had the better of the opening exchanges. Helped by sloppy midfield play by St Johnstone, United were able to break through the increasingly dangerous Scott Fraser. But the opening goal came from the simplest of plays with the two striker system having an effect.
A long ball was not dealt with by Dave Mackay and Tam Scobbie who were put off by Adam Taggart coming back from an offside position but Billy Mckay put sufficient pressure on Scobbie who attempted to head back to Alan Mannus when he should have headed the ball into a wide area. Mannus subsequently brought Mckay down and the striker converted from the spot.
From such a strong position United wilted. This should have been their launchpad to control the game and secure an impressive away win. But they became timid, lacking the confidence to go on and dominate the game. There was no control to their play. Tommy Wright, like Yogi Bear sniffing out some grub, clearly sensed a vulnerability in United, keeping two strikers on and going for a narrow three in midfield v United’s narrow four.
Saints are the antithesis of United. Well-drilled and with a clear organisational plan to follow. Reverse the roles and United would likely have weathered with 10 men against a team like Saints.
The equaliser didn’t come until the second half. John Souttar losing out in the air at a corner. Predictability – 8. If you know your opponent has the better of you in the air then put pressure on him, nip and poke, tickle his anus if you have to just put him off. Make it uncomfortable.
By this point the guillotine was being dusted off. Soon it would be being rolled out by the main stand. If I were to ask you what kind of goal would eventually cost McNamara his job then you would likely describe the one netted by Simon Lappin. A long ball. Calum Morris misses the header it then bounces over Mark Durnan allowing Lappin to lob Luis Zwick. Predictability – 10 (these are being marked out of 10 by the way).
Then the coup de grâce arrived. And boy was it marvellous. This was McNamara’s sacking happening on the field right in front of his beleaguered eyes. Mackay. Dave Mackay. Dave. Dave Mackay. Cuptie. Dave Mackay. Dave. Dave. Dave. He charged from defence, won the ball from Mckay. Just shrugged him off. Then sidestepped John Rankin. Over came Sean Dillon. The ball went one way, Dave went the other. Bye Sean Dillon. Dave then clipped a lovely ball into the channel for Cummins to chase. And win of course. Dave Mackay ladies and gentleman. Every United had just been slapped in the face by a large wet fish. Simon Donnelly whispered in McNamara’s ear “I’ll say we got bullied. We’ve not used that excuse in . . . days. By the by. I am a good actor if you go down the sitcom route. Don’t leave me.”
There it ended. A relationship which promised so much but delivered little. Very little. Incredibly talented individuals, two disappointing cup defeats no European football and a bitter parting of the ways.
Let’s look at some stats (is this where this column is going? Stats. I am running out). All relate to the Premiership and have been produced to fit an agenda.
No wins in the last seven.
Five wins in their last 26 matches.
In their last 24 games they have scored more than once just four times.
They have not won two on the bounce since Nov/Dec 2014.
Four clean sheets since the 1st November 2014.
Won two of their first eight in 2013/2014. Won seven of their next nine which included scoring 4 in five of the games. Didn’t win in next seven. Won six of next seven. Then won one of next seven as they failed to qualify for Europe.
Won six of eight to start season 2014/2015. Draw/win for next 10 games (won two in a row that point).
I am actually laughing typing this. Eat your heart out SPLstats. Make of those what you will because I certainly have.
Even when United were good they weren’t that good. They had a spell where they could have conquered the world but more often than not they were simply a mid-table side. But since the turn of the year there has been a clear malaise. Players haven’t progressed as expected and for team which plays the same formation week in week out they have not adjusted to what is expected of them. A clear issue with training and coaching.
Money has been spent on wages and fees with little return. Apparently United have the third biggest budget in the league. Whether it is true or not they should have had greater return for what has been spent and what has been delivered.
Lastly, Sean Dillon. He has been a continued presence in defence. He should be the barometer in terms of defenders being brought in. They should be better than him. They haven’t and he still plays. Centre back, left back and right back. And he will continue to play. Mark Durnan, so competent at Queen of the South, looks like he has Alzheimer’s every time he plays.
Dundee United and Jackie McNamara. It promised so much and it has come to this. Let the credits role.
Ladies and gentlemen. We. Are. Back. Okay, it wasn’t pretty, it was a little bit nervy, a little but uncomfortable and there was a smattering of luck (which nearly describes my sex life until we get to luck). But we didn’t stink out Celtic Park, that was left to the fans. Amirite? The Gorgie arrived at Parkhead and built a maroon wall. There were a few cracks and a bit of instability in the first half but come the second 45 minutes it got larger and larger, the foundations more solidified and the middle more resolute.
Hearts went with a game plan similar to the Blackwatch protecting the Wall. HOLD! Do what ever you need to but HOLD! The first half was a tense watch, Hearts were their own worst enemies with Celtic most dangerous when the away side had the ball. A poor Callum Paterson touch, Miguel Pallardo caught trying to lead a counter attack not once but twice all led to Celtic chances. James Forrest, Celtic’s most dangerous player, hit the post before slipping in Tom Rogic after Blazej Augustyn vacated his centre back post. The Australian slid the ball wide when everyone expected him to score. Leigh Griffiths missed two presentable headed chances – may it be situations like these which Gordon Strachan’s looks at and can’t trust him to deliver when it matters for Scotland?
Robbie Neilson took a leaf out of Jose Mourinho’s playbook and simply ceded possession to Celtic and asked the team to remain compact, like a turtle regressing into its shell. Ball after ball was crossed in from the left but repelled by Igor Rossi and Augustyn, fighting all his instincts to stick to his position. It became very predictable from Celtic and very easy for Hearts. AND we could have won it. Dedryck Boyata had nothing to do all game but when the ball came to him he turned into Hong-Kong Phooey but at least the martial arts canine would have been trusted to get the ball away. His missed kick saw Sam Nicholson run free only to be felled smartly by Efe Ambrose. After laying down the previous week to Aberdeen the Gorgie had done the Dons another favour . . .
One which they could not take. They were battered by Inverness in the first half and mainly through the ingenuity of Ryan Christie. In the first half Aberdeen were unrecognisable from the team which had swept all before them in the league. They were cut open four times in the first half with the Celtic-bound Christie had the heart of everything positive for ICT. He sliced open Aberdeen for the first, fired in the second with devilish dip and should have added a third with header.
It is hard to tell how Ryan Gauld is progressing in Portugal but it wouldn’t be a stretch to say Christie is ahead of his Scotland Under-21 compatriot. He is playing top flight football and having an effect week-in, week-out. If he was in Spain or Italy he would have an imaginative nickname such as El Mago (the wizard), El Astuto Mono (the crafty monkey), El Carnicero (the butcher (of defences)). And he now has a mobile and competent striker ahead of him who can put a finishing touch to his twinkle-toed creations.
Aberdeen piled on the pressure and could have snatched a point, an undeserved one at that. It may be a lazy generalisation but it is the type of game you can imagine Old Firm teams in the past rescuing a point. Both David Goodwillie and Adam Rooney were dropped following their outing at Easter Road with Josh Parker taking their place only for both to be brought back on. A decision Derek McInnes probably regrets.
The game of the weekend was filmed by our favourite nonsense speakers at BBC Alba as Dundee and Ross County shared six goals and a barrel of laughs. Well, the laughs were at Dundee’s expense. Dundee started the better with an attacking line-up but it was the away side that went ahead thanks to powerful running from Jackson Irvine. A Yaya Toure and one of the brothers from Hanson hybrid, he motored forward like a gorilla on speed, slipped in Liam Boyce who eased past McGinn and then fired easily under Scott Bain.
Greg Stewart jinked his way through for the equaliser before more defensive calamities brought about goals two and three. Like a pair of really incompetent vampires, when facing a cross both James McPake and Scott Bain were pulverised as Marcus Fraser’s cross found the back of the net. Then combative play again released efficacious Irvine who stood up a cross for Nat Lofthouse to clip a header at the back stick over Bain. It certainly seemed like Lofthouse rather than Michael Gardyne the way Julen was beaten in the air.
But Dundee rescued a point and even could have won it following the sending off of Andrew Davies after some inventive deflating from McPake. Imagine a blimp – which kills over one Americans every year by the way – trying to win a penalty and there you have McPake’s attempt. But it worked. Rory Loy’s penalty got them back in the game and County were caught too high as Loy fired in his second with a great finish across Scott Fox.
Seeing the two teams in action on Alba doesn’t change my view in that both will be fighting hard for a place in the top six. County are arguably one of the most combative and structured teams in the league with a peripatetic striker in Liam Boyce (17 goals in 19) leading their attack. Dundee on the otherhand will score goals despite possessing a defence as stiff as Pele’s . . . anyway the addition of Riccardo Calder gives them width that has been missing.
Hi, Gary! Another defeat, Gary! What’s happening over there, Gary?! The Gorgie Magnificents next, Gary! Don’t you even dare. Don’t let it even cross your mind. Please play Jamie and Scott at Tynecastle. Seriously though Greg Kiltie and Kallum Higginbotham have impressed in recent weeks. While still enigmatic Higginbotham is adjusting to his centre role.
But that defence. Wooft. Dougie Imrie may have shat himself in high school but it was Kevin McHattie who was shitting himself when the ball was played in behind. The finish itself! Not quite Yeboah not quite Van Basten but pretty dece. We had his lack of pace for the first goal now it was Kevin’s turn to show his inability at stopping crosses into the box. Hamilton win 2-1. Martin Canning will be taking over Nottingham Forest soon, leading them to the Premiership and a win over Alex Neil.
Motherwell 2 Partick Thistle 1. BBC showed all the goals. I think. I wouldn’t put it past them missing something out so they can cram in more feature-goodness. Anyway, delighted for Stephen Craigan. I really enjoy him as a pundit or even commentator on BT Sport. He comes across as a very shrewd reader of the game, someone I would like to see given his chance in management. But that means more Chris Sutton. Step off the ledge, folks. Don’t do it. We can survive it together. A zombie apocalypse may be more appealing but if we stay true to each other we can survive him. We can. We can. We really can. BT, please! Someone, please. Put us out our misery.
Talking of misery. Alan Archibald. Partick Thistle. I don’t think Kingsley will get as much coverage in a Rangers-less Championship, to be honest.
I hate myself.