Joe Tardelli – The Premiership Recap

October 7, 2015

Easton volleyThey are that killjoy. They are that person who walks into a pub with all those in attendance veering towards the door hoping to see a trim 19-year-old with voluptuous breasts, a nose ring, a sleeve tattoo but instead it is Dave in his Kappa poppers. No one likes Dave, the pub sighs. They are that instructor who doesn’t finish a training course early. They are the early-years Ross Geller. They are that droning ‘hiiiiiiiiii’. They are Hibernian Football Club.

They were once that friend who slept with a girl who resembled a lovechild of Pokemon’s Ditto and Weezing simply because he had been launched from a club and thought ‘what the hell?!’. They were that something to cheer you up.

But not now. Aberdeen were sailing along just fine until they went to Easter Road in the League Cup. Then that fateful Wednesday evening. They have broken Aberdeen and looked to have ruined a title race. THE title race. Look what you have done!!! WHY, GOD?! WHY?!

Aberdeen 1 St Johnstone 5. Aside from the disappointment that comes from their third defeat in a row it is pretty funny – schadenfreude may just be my favourite emotion (or is it a feeling?). A team which had conceded only two goals in the league until they travelled to Inverness have now conceded seven in their last two league games. FIVE against Tommy Wright’s St Johnstone. Minus Michael O’Halloran (not to forget Chris Millar and Alan Mannus) but plus Joe Shaughnessy.

Many expected Aberdeen to get back to winning ways, myself included. The best teams do not usually lose three games in a row, they possess the attitude and the mentality to bounce back from disappointments. Whether it is hopping on the steamroller and flattening opposition or simply winning ugly. The former notion quickly vanished when Brian Easton looped in a quite unbelievable volley. It was a bizarre execution, the left-back skipping into it. Not quite Wayne Rooney v Newcastle and not quite Paolo di Canio v Wimbledon.

Yet it wasn’t the most unbelievable goal of the first half. That belonged to our man Shaughnessy. That really uncoordinated ‘friend’ that had been reluctantly invited to the football to make up the numbers, turned up and became the hero. That is exactly how he celebrated. Marco Tardelli in the World Cup. And kudos, sir, even if it was tap in from a yard after some pretty generous goalkeeping from Danny Ward who attempted to shake hands with the ball rather than catch it. Footballs don’t have hands, Danny.

The affliction of being unable to catch a simple ball spread to the other side of the pitch with an added pinch of Oscar winning acting from Zander Clark. He tried to be play it cool and chest the ball down but the ball skipped higher than anticipated. Forgetting to use his hands to stop it going for a corner – which Aberdeen scored from – he does what any good footballer does and blames the turf that got caught in his studs.

Zander Clark

A sturdy Argos-catalogue of errors brought about goals three, four and five. Ward had made a fine save from Liam Craig prior to the third goal which came about following panicky defending as if it was the last minute defending with 10 men and holding onto a one goal lead. Craig poked the ball towards goal where it took a deflection and left Ward dumbfounded and completely alien to his surroundings and his purpose – like Robin Williams when he was brought back in Jumanji.

Goal four would have even embarrassed Celtic’s stranglehold on shambolic set piece defending as Graham Shinnie failed to attack the ball at the front post before Steven MacLean added another header after a poor kick from Ward – a facet of his game he needs to improve.

Derek McInnes said it best . . . when you say nothing at all. Stop it. He said it best by describing St Johnstone as streetwise and strong and his side as naïve and weak. The Perth Saints didn’t outplay the side who still sit top of the league. But what they did possess was a ruthlessness. In the way they used the ball and they way they took advantage of Aberdeen’s vulnerabilities. They’ve now scored three or more goals in five games this season, obliterating their record last season.

It doesn’t get any easier for Aberdeen. Ross County in Dingwall on a Friday night. On TV. Should be a cracker.


Yet, Aberdeen’s catastrophe wasn’t even the most embarrassing result of the weekend. That honour went to Heart of Midlothian who watched the clingy ex-girlfriend they dumped for that trim 19-year-old with voluptuous breasts, a nose ring, a sleeve tattoo jump out the cupboard and ruin a perfectly fine afternoon’s date (I have no idea where this mythical date is taking place). A torrid 90 minutes led to an evening of silence.

The best moment came prior to the game where there was some abstract street dancing. The second best moment was the full-time whistle. Kilmarnock started well before the Gorgie got a foothold in the game and preceded to hit every chance created at Jamie MacDonald bar the customary penalty.

Another bizarre decision from Robbie Neilson saw the withdrawal of the most dangerous attacker Osman Sow which was soon followed by Conrad Balatoni emphatically taking advantage of more slack defending from the home side.

Hearts controlled the game without dominating with spells of sustained pressure. The Kilmarnock midfield didn’t have to chase around Morgaro Gomis and Prince Buaben, who plodded rather than probed. Killie were always in the game even if they appeared apathetic towards a rousing gung-ho approach to rescue a point. They certainly proved themselves to be a more competent outfit than both Partick Thistle and Motherwell.

Anyone see that feature on Gary Locke and Hearts on Sportscene? Anyone send their TV set crashing through their patio doors?


For a period, albeit a relatively short period, we looked to have a frantic, exciting game on our hands with the potential of another shock result on Sunday. Hamilton, who only needed a positive result to reach the heady heights of third, started on the front foot. Energetic and aggressive with a direct approach.

Carlton Morris initially posed a physical threat to Dedryck Boyata and Tyler Blackett before the former opted to play his one blunder early on. Maybe he had been advised by Ronny Deila to get it out his system with plenty of time still on the clock so Celtic can come back from it. A simple throw was allowed to bounce over his head and then be shrugged off by Gramoz Kurtaj and outpaced. It was a fine finish from the Kosovo-born Albanian. Boyata must be painful viewing for Celtic fans just now, like watching A League of Their Own . . . with a female comedian guest ‘star’.

Kurtaj

Yet he soon made up with it by finishing a cross on the line. That is the line of the Hamilton goal. Three suspects: 1) why is Ziggy Gordon dropping so deep for the free-kick? 2) Lucas Tagliapietra opts to ball watch. 3) Michael McGovern shows no interest in coming for the curling ball that lands at Boyata on the goal line.

By this time Celtic had taken control and were looking far more like a Celtic team under Deila. No, not the one that fails in big matches. The other side of Deila’s Celtic; pressing high, full-backs advanced and wide and the ball being shifted at pace around the box. Saidy Janko got lucky with the cross for the winner as it deflected towards Leigh Griffiths, yet the striker rose and hung in the air like Michael Jordan dunking on some poor inconsequential white man, to direct a superb header across goal into the corner.

It was a solid win from a Celtic side who are still trying to find their feet again after being stuck in a post-Virgil Van Dijk rut. More than anything Deila is still searching for a settled team and a base he can build from and trust. So far Celtic have used 10 defenders in 10 league games and no back four have played together in consecutive matches.

As for Hamilton, they once again competed admirably. Like Ross County they won’t make it easy for any of the bigger teams. They will make sure their opponents know they are in a game and know to get three points they will have to match the energy levels and aggression of Hamilton. The Accies combine those qualities with fast, enjoyable football, epitomised by Kurtaj.


Ahhhh, Dundee United. What a joke of a team. They possess as much of a backbone as cousin Boneless from Cow and Chicken. They allowed Partick Thistle to score three. Allowed is the key word. They may as well have had signposts and flashing lights pointing towards Luis Zwick’s net, stepping to the side and encouraging Thistle up the middle as if they are taking part in the Gay Gordon dance (I think you dance up the middle in that one).

Dave Bowman was rightly scathing in his post-match press conference. And in all honesty he doesn’t strike me as someone you want to put in the mood to scathe. He clearly despises the players at United. Behind closed doors my guess is he uses a lot of non-PC words and phrases to describe them.

For the first goal why does Zwick get smaller to allow David Amoo to outjump him and score a header on the goal line? Why? How? Then the second is downright amusing. A microcosm of United. John Rankin plummets to the ground as if someone has stuck a cartoon banana peel under his foot, allowing Mustapha Dumbuya to cut onto his weaker foot and trundle the ball across the six yard box into the far corner. His first league goal since he netted for Potters Bar Town. Coincidentally Potters Bar Town of Southern League Division One Central are probably about United’s level.

john rankin fall


Many will have Brian Easton’s goal down as the goal of the season so far. But I don’t think it was even goal of the weekend. Cue groans of ‘you’re a negative nelly, Joel. Always poo-pooing something positive’. First of all I do like pooing. Second of all, get over yourselves!

My goal of the weekend is Miles Storey’s for Inverness in the Highland Derby. It was a real footballing goal, one which was plagiarised 24 hours later by Bayern Munich against Borussia Dortmund. The ball was worked patiently from the left to Danny Devine in a wide but deep right position. When pressed he did not opt for shelling it forward, instead he zipped a pass into the feet of Liam Polworth who moved it forward to Andrea Mbuyi-Mutombo. Seeing the space arise behind Mbuyi-Mutombo, Polworth got on his bike, darting away from Stewart Murdoch and Richard Forster, like Ash cycling away from wild Pidgey and wild Nidoran, to take James Vincent’s pass in his stride before setting up Storey for confident finish.

ict storey goal v ross county

John Hughes rightly beamed about the goal stating it was straight off the training ground. I wonder who or what even he used as Richard Foster in this scenario. A cone? A snowman? Lewis Horner?

The other two goals in the game were relatively similar set piece offerings. Unsurprisingly Liam Boyce was in the right place at the right time to react quickest to the ball in the area. However, he was outshone by ICT’s own goal threat. Miles Storey impresses more and more each week. The Jack Grealish look-a-like did more than simply net the opener, he stretched and harried County’s Andrew Davies-less backline with Scott Boyd struggling against him. One instance in the first half displayed what he had to offer compared to Dani Lopez. There was strength in holding Boyd off, touch to get the ball control quickly, pace to run away from the defence and a finish . . . Erm I mentioned he scored earlier, yeah. More performances like this and he will have every right to be lying sparkoed on the Inverness High Street after a night at Johnny Foxes.

Of late Hughes has not only been able to pick a relatively settled side but also other players are coming to the fore, replacing those that left or are injured with increasingly competent displays. The run of games has settled Devine at centre back; Danny Williams has gone from dependable squad player to a solid first team player; James Vincent, after injury troubles, is rediscovering his early ICT-career form; Liam Polworth his having an influence on matches, while Mutombo and Storey have been fine John Hughes additions.


This is a plea for help.


I have little to say about Dundee’s 2-1 defeat of Motherwell. Pretty much what I expected. The first half appeared non-existent while Dundee fully deserved their win in the end. Motherwell on the other hand are just not that interesting. They are not quite as comical at the back as they were last season while Stephen Craigan ripped into the attack which has not been as forceful or prolific as in recent seasons. I would be keen to see a front six of Lionel Ainsworth, Marvin Johnson, Keith Lasley, Stephen Pearson, Wes Fletcher and Lewis Moult get time on the pitch to try and create an understanding.

Lastly, Scott McDonald is always an interesting guest on Sportscene. Interesting in the way train spotters are ‘interesting’. He always appears to be holding onto his chair for dear life, as if it as an ejector seat.


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