In need of a saviour

July 21, 2016

Mike DeanIt usually happens each summer during those non-months – the weird, disorienting time between the end of one football season and the start of the next. Like Nick Hornby in Fever Pitch and the thousands of other sane and rational football fans my ‘year’ does not follow that of the calendar but the football season. There is always that period of introspection with regards to football and the hold it possesses.

When the football season eventually finishes body and mind take a collective sigh of relief. No longer do we have to traipse up and down the country with the purpose of getting psychologically assaulted for 90 minutes, yearning for the sweet release of death the pub. No longer do we have to listen to other football fans’ opinions. No longer is there the obligation to watch a football match if a football match is on TV. No longer are you required to prepare for a podcast hungover and dreading work. No longer do you have to worry about Hibs having a successful season (still not over that cup win. Never will be).

There is just so much to indulge in during the season. Whether it is the copious amounts of action on TV, the copious amounts of interviews, opinion pieces and features to read or the copious amounts of vines and pictures of Mike Dean worth sifting through on a weekly basis.

As the season reaches its denouement you begin to imagine the free time – the TV series to watch, the books to read, the Vladimir Romanov tome to write. The life you could lead, exploring new and wonderful places. The possibilities are endless.

Two weeks later and your Sky Planner consists solely of a season of 2 Broke Girls, a documentary on plastic bags and Pitch Perfect 2; the books gather dust; Romanov article? A blank word document. Saturday comes and there is a yearning for a few beers and some soccer. You look at myself in the mirror and mutter ‘what a sad and pitiful excuse for a human being’.

Luckily it’s 2016. A European Championship year. Non-stop football is around the corner with a bumper 24 teams. Russia v Slovakia on a Wednesday afternoon? Take the day off work. Heck, take the whole week. Then came June 25, henceforth known as the ‘Day of the ZZZZZZZ’ – Poland-Switzerland, Wales-Northern Ireland, Croatia-Portugal *shudders*. The tournament was already becoming a slog, now it was a microcosm of the football season. You’re living for the days where there is no relevant football.

For myself, a solemn five days passed from the ‘Day of the ZZZZZZZ’ and I am back at Tynecastle. It’s not even July. Normally it is an occasion to look forward to; the first competitive fixture of the season with hope and expectation for the season ahead, excitement in seeing the new recruits, meeting comrades in the pub for pre-match drinks. I had been in my seat barely minutes, the game was mere seconds old and I was fed up, coming up with such nonsense as a Family Fortunes style game of what Hearts fans like the least (Answer: the ball going backwards). My enjoyment came solely from the fan in front of me who blew a gasket at Sam Nicholson being awarded one of the man of the match awards. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but the team appeared weaker than the previous season; the football was slow, ponderous and uninspiring. And you know what? I couldn’t have cared any less.

A trip abroad to see the Famous Gorgie Boys would surely stir the senses. It was the perfect few days in the sun with the aforementioned comrades. The only downside? The football. Incredibly underwhelming, yet, at the same time, entirely expected.

It’s not only teams involved in European football, all league clubs have had their first taste of competitive action by the middle of July with games screened live on TV. It is great for Scottish football, great for the clubs and adds weight to the League Cup in its new guise. But for me it is only further saturation of football, performing the, what I thought was, impossible task of increasing the ubiquitous nature of the sport.

It really is all year round. It really is everywhere. I find the allure of spending time locked in a torture chamber with Chris Sutton and Craig Burley pontificating at me non-stop as the David Gray cup-winning goal is played on loop more appealing than watching pre-season friendlies between teams who will no doubt face each in the Champions League or even their own domestic league. Worse than that? Articles on pre-season games and what can be learned from them.

Yet it is the fact that this attitude is seeping into Scottish competitive action and games involving Heart of Midlothian which is most disconcerting. I watched both Celtic’s defeat to Lincoln Red Imps (DEFEAT) and Motherwell v Rangers in the League Cup simply because I felt it was my duty to try and gleam some information for future podcasts, not because I had any great urge. Both games were watched using Sky’s fast-forward function. A function I wish was available to me for this up-coming season.

I write this before another European night at Tynecastle but the game provokes as much anticipation as a League Cup second-round tie against Arbroath. I want to be excited. I want to want Hearts to face an impressive looking FC Krasnador side. I want to be enthralled by the addition of Rangers into a competitive looking Premiership. I want to get worked up about a fine-looking Championship to the point I can discard my pre-season bet and laugh as Hibs make another mess of promotion.

While going cold turkey could work there would be that nagging feeling that something could happen, you could miss something amazing. Like the night out all your mates are on as you stay in to ‘save money’. I will still go to games week in and week out because I still find football incredibly funny more than anything. Also, because socially it prevents me becoming a recluse. So good riddance to the English Premiership, to Serie A and the European Football Show, goodbye to the Champions League and Europa League*. Scottish football is the bread and butter and it should, nay, will be my saviour.

It is the league that has provided such moments as Jamie Hamill barging Derek Adams to the ground; a father reducing his kid to tears after being ejected; a Motherwell fan producing a red card in a Play-off Final; petty squabbles; a mess of a cup draw; Derek Rae and Michael Stewart; Owain Fon-Williams; Arnaud Djoum and Igor Rossi.

Over to you Scottish fooball**.

*Well, only when Heart of Midlothian are knocked out or just win the damn thing.
**Scottish football and Mike Dean.

Written by Joel Sked


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