St Mirren

St Mirren enjoyed a brief foray into the SPL in the early
years, spending one season in the top flight before being immediately relegated
at the conclusion of the 2000/01 season. Five years were then spent, initially
floundering but ultimately escaping the Scottish First Division. Given the
lowly status at the time you would be forgiven for thinking the majority of
this team would be made up from those masquerading in the shirts in those lowly
days, but sometimes it does take being in the top flight to expose the real
weak links in your squad, not to mention the added pressure and expectation of
playing among the country’s elite. Dave McFarlane writes.

Goalkeeper: Chris Smith

I’ve never watched him have a good game for anyone, never
mind St Mirren. When he first came through the ranks with us, he was touted as
a future Scotland international due to his performances with the under-21 side.
I can only assume this was a piss-take. He always looked poor but particularly
against the Old Firm, where it looked like a Sunday League team was a man down
and got their junkie-looking pal in for a game to make up the bodies. He was
slow to come for crosses, was shaky with long-range shots and couldn’t organise
a piss-up in a brewery, never mind his defence.

Naturally, we signed him again at the start of the season
after Dunfermline released him. He was THIRD choice in their last SPL
season…enough said.

Centre Back: John Potter

To be fair to John, he did get off to a fairly good start
with us after moving from Clyde, but he always had better players beside him
who could lead him through games or cover for his lack of ability. Once he
became the main man in defence, shit got real. As in he got shit, really
quickly. At times, I would rather have had Brian Potter from Phoenix Nights
than John. Brian would had a better turning centre and better pace anyway.

I’m sure I’m in the minority with him, but I always thought
he was a bombscare just waiting to disengage. He played almost 200 games for St
Mirren, which was about 120 too many for me.

Centre Back: Alan Reid

Just an awful,awful footballer. He came to us as a striker,
but a record of only three goals in 55 league games for Hibs and various lower
league teams suggested that probably wasn’t his best position. In an attempt to
justify his signing, Gus MacPherson ‘transformed’ him into a full-back and
while he was average at best in his first season, we won the First Division so
up to the SPL he went…where he was blatantly out of his depth. I watched many
many players just embarrass him.

Alan dropped down the leagues after his release in July
2008, where he continued to be an awful,awful footballer.

Centre Back: David Barron

Barron may just be the ugliest footballer in the SPL, he’s
one f***-ugly boy. If you look at his Wikipedia page, he’s down as an ‘utility
man’, which is a polite way of saying no-one seems to know in what position
he’s any good. Naturally a right-back, he’s been shunted all round defence over
the years but partly due to injury and partly due to not being very good, he’s
only played about 90 games for St Mirren since 2005. David just doesn’t look
confident when he does play, and regularly gets outclassed by opposing wingers.
Marc Corcoran ripped him a new backside a few weeks ago. MARC CORCORAN!

He plays football in the style of his looks – messy, ugly,
and not at all handsome. He’s slow, sloppy, and prone to simply turning off and
allowing attackers to walk past him.

Left Wing: Mo Camara

No contest. He was awful throughout his career as a left
back or left wing, where I’ll play him for the sake of this. He saved the worst
until he moved to Paisley. His Wikipedia entry while at Wolves says “he
became a cult figure amongst their fans, known for his commitment and pace
despite sometimes exhibiting a lack of positional sense and ball control.”

The only thing he was committed to in a St Mirren shirt was
being rotten. He was never really a first choice anywhere he went, and while at
Celtic Gordon Strachan converted a left winger AND a right back to play in
Camara’s position. St Mirren signed him in Feb 09 but was kindly told to do one
at the end of the season after only 10 games. He was slow, uninterested, and
more often than not would be found out of position and looking confused by
life. He was a waste of money, yet still kept David Barron out of the team.

Centre Midfield: Tonet

The Spaniard was touted as an ex-Barcelona trainee with real
pedigree and talent on the ball. Gus MacPherson obviously never read the rest
of his CV! While he was a Barca youth, he was released without even getting
close to the first XI and spent his entire playing career in the Spanish third
division. The player declared he ‘had taken a massive step up’ to join St
Mirren. You weren’t wrong son!

Tonet was signed after an impressive pre-season against
Morton and Blackpool, but once he came up against SPL sides, he looked like a
rabbit caught in the headlights. He had no touch, pace, desire to get stuck
into a tackle, positional sense or stamina, and was sent off in only his third
league appearance against Hearts. He never appeared for the Saints again and
was punted back to the Spanish third division at the end of the season.

Centre Midfield: Alex Burke

Gus MacPherson (he’s featuring a lot, for good reason!) was
quoted as saying once he signed Alex: “Since I’ve been in charge at St
Mirren, this is the third time I’ve tried to bring Alex to the club.”

Oh Gus, you never had an eye for a signing did you? The
former Kilmarnock had started to make his way towards midfield by the time we
signed him, and Gus was determined to make him a centre midfielder. He failed.
I would have played Alexandra Burke in centre midfield before him!

In fairness, Alex did perform OK on the wings and as an
goalscoring attacking midfielder before signing for St Mirren, but at Division
One and Two clubs. He wasn’t SPL quality and was released in 2008 after Gus
finally admitted defeat with only 23 league games under his belt. It feels a
bit harsh to lump Burke in with the rest of these twats as he did give
100%…he just wasn’t good enough.

Right Wing: Kevin Twaddle

I feel a bit bad putting Twaddle in here after his personal
issues, but I’ll get over it. Twaddle had a fairly successful career but was on
the way towards retirement by the time he came to Paisley. He was disgustingly
awful, a lazy twat and wasn’t remotely interested. He was rattled in the head
by a free-kick in only his third game against Inverness, and was never seen
again, claiming ‘toothache’ was keeping him out of the team. You will not find
a Saints fan with a good word to say about him, and I won’t say anymore as I
might get myself sued!

Striker: Gareth Wardlaw

Another member of the ‘just not good enough’ club, although
he did score the goal that kept us in the SPL in the 2010-11 season. Gareth
scored plenty of goals for Cowdenbeath in the Second Divison, but doubts were
there about the ex-postie’s ability to step up to SPL level. The doubters were
right, and the player himself admitted in November 2010 he was really
struggling with the SPL.

He wasn’t afraid to put in a shift up front, but the amount
of sitters the boy would miss were staggering. If he had scored even half of
the chances that were put on a plate for him, St Mirren would have finished in
the top six. After only three goals (one more than Samaras that season!) he was
released. A very hard worker, but just not good enough for St Mirren.

Striker: Jens Paeslack

Useless baldy prick. Jens signed on loan from Karlsruher SC
and scored only one goal for St Mirren in our first season in the SPL, against
Rangers of all teams! The fans thought he had a bit about him as a
result…forgetting it was a three yard tap-in. Jens looked like his mind was
permanently elsewhere and didn’t look like he could be arsed with Scottish
football. He was another Tonet, the step up in class and quality from lower
quality leagues simply proved to be too much for him.

Rumours eventually grew about his personal life and he left
the club early under a cloud of controversy… (Lads, feel free to stop there
about Jens, as it’s now slightly dodgy ground about theft and scuddy pics. If
you want the details, here they are) after alledgly stealing from the dressing
room and was caught with Graeme Fenton’s watch. When he departed back to the
German regional leagues, pictures were found in his hotel room of Paeslack
sticking various bits of fruit up someone’s Jack and Danny.

What a fud.

Striker: Chris Wreh

Chris is supposedly related to George Weah, and was a
fantastic squad player at Arsenal, scoring the goals that took them to the FA
Cup final in 1998 after scoring a few goals in the Premier League.

With that pedigree, what could go wrong?

Everything.

The player that signed for St Mirren had eaten Chris Wreh.
He was fat, slow, and useless. In 18 months with the club, he spent a grand
total of 58 minutes on the field for St Mirren. A waste of wages (which he had
been spending in Greggs) and a waste of time. His nomadic career seemed to
drastically go downhill after his pointless spell in Paisley.

Manager:John Coughlin

No contest, he was just a fat mess. Here, that rhymes!

Just look at his record at St Mirren gaffer. He lost 24 of
only 53 games in charge, only winning 13. A win percentage of 24.5%. When he
took over from Tom Hendrie, we had just been relegated from the SPL but still
had the crux of the squad which only narrowly went down. He finished the 02-03
having just secured First Division safety. He dragged the club backwards both
on and off the field, and by the time the board eventually got rid of him, we
were heading for another relegation battle.

It took St Mirren almost three years to repair 12 months of
Coughlin damage. I would happily set that man on fire.

If you like Dave McFarlane’s work you’ll be pleased to know
he is a member of the SPL podcast and editor of the Born Offside blog, he can
also be found on twitter.