June 27, 2013

Hibs unfortunately missed out on the opening year of the SPL
after experiencing the horror of relegation in 98. Some of those players have
escaped the shame of being in the worst 11 (although I am sure they couldn’t
care less what I think) by the skin of their teeth. Since the record breaking
First Division title win, Hibs have had some of the most creative and special
players the league has seen. In all honesty though I think it is fair to say no
other club has had more ridiculed, error prone inept players than Hibs. And
that’s just the goalkeepers. Writes Tony Anderson.

Goalkeeper – Zibi Malkowski.

As I am sure you can imagine this particular position made
for some difficult decisions. Hibs mangers seemed to go out their way to find
the worst goalkeepers possible. ‘One clown shoe goalkeeper please!’ was a
popular phrase down Leith. I have decided to
go for the goalkeeper that made me feel like suffocating myself with my own
fat, Ravenelli style, Zibi Malkowski. The Pole (don’t let that fool you) made
constant errors during his 50 game stint at Hibs. Hartley, Jankauskas and many
more profited from his lapses in concentration. Zibi contributed to some of the
team’s most embarrassing results. A 4-0 defeat in a semi final against Hearts,
another 4-0 defeat at Tynecastle, even a 3 -2 defeat, all caked in Zibi’s
magic. He topped it all off by waving at the Hearts fans. On request. When
getting beat. Because of him!

Left centre half – Abderoouf Zarabi

The big Algerian really struggled to show anything that
resembled technical ability during his eight game stint. He was very strong and
could put himself about but unfortunately in parts of the pitch he was not
required. He was always out of position and really uneasy on the eye, rarely
completing a pass. To be fair though Hibs only lost two league games, three in
the eight he played overall and they were all against the Old Firm.

Centre half – Sean O’Hanlon

One of Coco Calderwood’s biggest duds, Sean O’Hanlon was
brought in as a no-nonsense, seasoned English lower league centre half. All I
witnessed was a guy who had been playing lower league football ever since
leaving Everton (without playing a game) for a reason. The reason was he was terrible.
He made a constant habit of getting caught under the ball and misjudging
headers. This was a serious problem as he had no pace to atone for this habit.
He only ever took part in three victories in the league and was eventually
released earlier in the season. He is now back playing in League One for Carlisle. And they say the standard of our league is

Right centre half – Omar Konde

The Swiss defender played in one of Hibs better teams in the
SPL under Tony Mowbray, one thing though that regularly happened when he played
was Hibs lost. That quality Hibs side lost nine games with Konde in the side,
he only appeared in 17, starting nine, and you see the pattern. Like many SPL
defenders he liked to indulge in a bit of ball watching and quite often just
stood there, like a fan watching the game. He offered nothing.

Left midfielder – Alan O’Brien

He arrived from Newcastle
reportedly on big wages and accepting a large signing on fee. But why not? This
was ‘Sproule on a motorbike’! “He is so fast!” Yeah but he has ran head first
in to an opponent. “He hugs the touch line creating width!” Yeah but he can’t
control the ball, look it has went out the park, again. “He gets to the by line
regularly through balls over the top!” Yeah but he has crossed it in to the
side netting, oops sorry, my mistake that one has went for a throw in. You get
my point.

Centre Mid – Brian Kerr

Another who began their career at Newcastle. Some may feel this is harsh due to
Kerr having the perfect debut, scoring the winner at Tynecastle but I refuse to
be blinkered by that one moment. After that evening he became Kevin Bacon in
Hollow Man (invisible man if you are lucky enough to have missed that film). He
is a player who benefitted from the world’s fascination in defensive midfielders,
the quietly efficient player. Many argued that Kerr done all the unseen work
but I was there, the only reason it was unseen is because it never happened.
Kerr struggled to get a club after being released by Hibs, despite making 26
appearances and previously three caps for Scotland (?) eventually making a
handful of appearances for I.C.T and a season at Dundee.
He now plies his trade in the second division at Arbroath.

Centre Mid – Ross Chisolm

It was a tough choice between Ross and Ed De Graff. De Graff
was a player we all expected so much from but delivered so little. Chisolm was
brought through the youth system but when it comes to it De Graff showed some
promise and got in to many good scoring positions were as Chisolm mainly just
pointed. He played in nearly fifty games, never scored, wasn’t great at
tackling or passing. He did, as I said earlier, like to point were other
players should be. This frustrated me greatly as he hid behind this and fooled
many managers and fans in to believing he was a good leader on the park and
played the game in his head. I would have loved to have seen the game in
Chisolm’s brain. I’m sure he was just like Iniesta.

Right Mid – Fabrice Henry

I had to pick Henry for the simple reason I can’t remember
anything about him. What he looked like, what position he played, what his
strengths and weaknesses were. In fact I think he was made up by Wikipedia. I
am told he made nine appearances, played midfield, was French and signed from Basle. He went straight back to Basle
due to having no attributes or doing anything worth writing about. Despite that
I have wrote about him. You can tell I have a minimum word count to adhere to.

Striker – Jonaton Johansson

The former Rangers and Charlton forward arrived at Easter
Road after just scoring a double at international level. This made many fans
feel confident that the Finnish striker had not lost his ability. Unfortunately
after five minutes of his debut at Tynecastle it was clear to see he was a
shadow of his former self. He had lost his electric pace and showed no interest
in playing for the club, clearly using it as a retirement home. It was a big
mistake from Mixu allowing him to use the club for that purpose. Players doing
this is something that really annoys me, add no goals in his nine games and you
will understand his inclusion. St Johnstone took him on for some reason
afterwards. Unlucky.

Striker – Eduardo Hurtado

‘Nelly’ Hurtado is a huge name in Ecuador, being their second top
goal scorer of all time. Similar to the JJ though he couldn’t really be
bothered, and was never able to recreate his international and MLS scoring
touch. A terrible decision by McLeish and the only reason I can see why he made
it was to buddy him up with De La Cruz. Like what happens at secondary school
with sixth years and first years. Unfortunately De La Cruz didn’t decide to bog
wash him.

Striker – Shefi Kuqi

The one player from the current crop to be included and if
any of you have seen him you will know why. The man is incapable off turning
round anymore and makes up a strike trio of has-beens. We all remember his
goals in the premiership with Blackburn and I
was excited like everyone else to see the swan dive celebration at ER. It’s not
going to happen though. To slow, terrible first touch and struggling to even
play the role of wrecking ball. Supposedly he works well with the youngsters
off the pitch. Be a coach then.

Manager – Colin Calderwood

How can you expect your players to work hard when you don’t?
Supposedly spent half his time at home in Nottingham,
if only he had spent a Saturday there too.

Dishonourable mentions to: Simon Brown, Humphrey Rudge,
Thierry Gatthusei, Freddy Daquin (the only reason he is not in it is because he
features in the Dundee one and I felt sorry
for him), Fabian Yantorno, Joe Keenan, Michael Hart. I am stopping there as
this list will be longer than the blog.

Enjoy the words of Tony Anderson? Well you shouldn’t, he
doesn’t like you and he doesn’t like your face. However, should you still wish
to here more from him then give him a follow on twitter.