Worst XI: Cowdenbeath

November 19, 2013

Having gotten the last of the top flight clubs out of the way by recounting the piss-takers of Partick Thistle, we now move on the lower leagues. First up is the mighty Blue Brazil. Despite the relative success enjoyed by the club these last two years, the opinion of manager Colin Cameron could scarcely be lower at the moment. Judging by some of the dross they’ve witnessed in recent times perhaps supporters should be careful of what they wish for. Cowdenbeath fan Murray Hughes takes us through a selected XI of the worst players he’s witnessed in his lifetime.

In my many years supporting Cowdenbeath I’ve been blessed with some of the teams I’ve witnessed. My old man talks of dark days in the early to mid nineties where we went just about two whole seasons without winning a home league game, now that’s tough going. I’ve witnessed five promotions, two league titles and a play off victory.

Here’s the darker side to the game:


Goalkeeper – Stephen Gollasch

It can only be one. The man they call Stephen Gollasch. Keith Wright’s illustrious contacts abroad brought in this ageing specimen to play in goals. Experience from the back was just what we needed at the time. It worked out nothing like that. 6-0 we were destroyed at home to Stenhousemuir. Joe Savage tore us to bits, one of the darkest days I’ve witnessed supporting the team. I recall one fan wondering if Jeremy Beadle was going to come out at half time as part of his ill fated wind up show, the truth is Jeremy Beadle would have been better in goals. He was never seen again. I think he’s a doctor or something.


Left back – Darren Thomson

Down the years it’s always been a problem position for us. Right backs covering, centre halves covering, generally anyone covering but the worst was a lad called Darren Thomson. He had no attributes at all. So much so fans forgot him soon after, an absolute disaster of a player. Ugly as well.


Centre Back – Davie Hannah

A good experienced pro you are thinking and in his first spell with us he was passable. Then he lost it. His legs went and his ability went with it. As did his mental state. One particular home game where we played six centre halves in the team a fan jousters ‘get Hannah off and bring on a footballer’ to which he took exception and gave said fan the finger. That was the end of Davie.


Centre Back – Sandy Hodge

All centre halves are big and strong and will do anything to win. No Sandy. He was soft, weak and minced about. Granted he wore a really cool sweat band on his arm but the nickname Sandra Hodge tells you about everything you need.


Right Back – Michael Renwick

You’ll see his name pop up in many worst XI’s. An absolute charlatan. A wage thief, a mercenary. I was informed he was on a massive wage due to his ‘Hibs connections’. What a complete waste of oxygen.


Left Midfield – John Paul Kelly

Who? Many people will ask, even many Cowden fans won’t know who he is. This colourful chap had an arrogance to his game. Fancy hairstyles, fancy boots, looked the part. He was anything but. Let the game pass bye him without contributing anything at all other than skip about. In fact the only game he looked like a footballer was against an Orkney select and he came on when we were about 10-0 up. His character was summed up when he had a go at elderly Cowdenbeath fan/celebrity Ron Ferguson who came on for five minutes to fulfil a life long dream. JPK played a pass to him and Ron miscontrolled it to which JPK starting having a go at the elderly minister come writer. A surreal experience.


Centre Midfield – John O’Neil

This is controversial as some fans liked him, putting it simply I didn’t. He was over weight and was another of Welsh’s pals. He should have added experience and been a good influence on and off the park. He was the opposite. Another relatively large wage and seemed to constantly get in the team. Did score a screamer v Gretna at Fir Park mind you.


Centre Midfield – Adam Moffat

I don’t remember much about Moffat other than him being useless in the middle of the park. Was a local lad so people tended to give him a bit of a break. Not me. I remember away to the ‘Shire in their dark days he decided to start playing through balls to their strikers from the centre of our midfield.


Right Midfield – John Cusack

I dunno what he looked like other than him appearing in the league winning picture despite not even making the bench once. Signed from Arbroath (I think) but he just wasn’t ever fit. I once saw him on the pitch before a game but he wasn’t stripped. One of my favourite players. He also had other off field issues I believe…


Centre Forward – Steven Weir

Signed on loan from Livingston; Scotland youth cap; Brother of Graham. He was shit: awful attitude, awful hair, awful application. Thought he was better than anyone around him and was about as much a goal threat as a wet paper bag. His only contribution was a daft sending off away to Forfar about 10 minutes after coming on. Sky Sports News did have him down as a scorer away to Peterhead (I missed my train up). They quickly released their stupidity and changed it.


Centre Forward – Stephen McConnalogue

He’s a professional football you know. His business card tells me so. My business card says I have a 16″ penis but that doesn’t mean either are true. He was another marquee Welsh signing and was a complete flop. One good game away to Ayr where he ran the match which told me there was a player in there somewhere. He just had zero application. Highlighted in his nickname adopted from his Partick Thistle days ‘slippers’.


Manager – Brian Welsh

His son tried to fight a fan. He called us all blinkered despite relegating us. His father in law instigated him getting a three year full time deal worth circa £40k a year. He took us to court after he was sacked. His sister in law ran the pie hut and abused fans during games. He brought in as many of his pals as possible on high wages. He played six centre halves in a game. C*** wipe of a man.

Fun times.


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